Page 82 of The Village Midwife
She paused. As well as she felt she was beginning to know Alex now, there was no doubt of his reaction to her next sentence. She already trusted him, but she felt the enormity of saying it out loud to someone new, someone who was beginning to mean a great deal to her.
‘We lost our baby earlier this year, and after that things fell apart. I didn’t deal with it well, he couldn’t work out how to handle me and… here we are. I still care about him. It wasn’t so much a case of falling out of love, more like we stopped understanding each other.’
‘I’m so sorry to hear that. God, it must take every ounce of what you have to carry on caring for other pregnant women having lost your own baby. I have so much respect for you right now.’
‘I don’t see it that way. If I can help one other woman so she doesn’t have to go through what I went through, then I have to do that. It’s not a choice; it’s… I’m not sure what it is, but it’s why I signed up to be a midwife in the first place.’
‘I bet you don’t even know how amazing that is.’
‘That’s because it’s not.’
‘No, but it is. You are…’
‘There’s the gate,’ she cut in, half thankful, half disappointed that they’d reached her house, desperate to hear what he might have been about to say but scared of it at the same time. She wanted to invite him in, but there was something brewing in the air between them, something that had escalated over the past fifteen minutes, and she was afraid of what might happen, what she might do, if he came inside. ‘Thanks for walking me home.’
‘It was my pleasure,’ he said, leaving her feeling as if there had never been a truer phrase spoken. ‘So I hope to see you tomorrow.’
‘Don’t forget to check with Billie, please.’
‘I will, but I’m sure she’ll be happy to have you along.’
They paused, the lanterns along her path and the pearly moon the only lights illuminating his face. Even then, she could see the affection in it. Not only affection, something so much more. Hope? Longing? She knew it because she felt it too. Amidst the chaos of the emotions that whirled around inside her at that moment, those shone bright. She didn’t know how it could happen, but she was certain that if it did, it could be wonderful. And as he gazed at her, she almost wondered if he’d ask the question. And if he did, she knew she’d say yes.
But after a pause and a small smile, he took a pace back. ‘I’ll watch you in. Goodnight, Zoe.’
‘Goodnight,’ she said, barely able to keep the disappointment from her voice.
True to his word, he watched until she’d unlocked the front door and pushed it open, and then he turned and went.
22
Zoe tried not to let the baby store bother her, but it did, and she realised now she ought to have seen this coming. Fortunately, Alex and Billie didn’t seem to have noticed.
It was more of a large warehouse than a shop, decorated in pastels and bright, bold murals, and everywhere she looked there were soft furnishings, honeyed and whitewashed pine, and baby toys. She glanced at Billie, who was silent at Alex’s side as they walked in. There wasn’t a flicker of a smile. Not a hint of any excitement, or anticipation, or any sign to indicate she might be pleased to be there at all. If anything, Billie looked even more depressed by the shop than Zoe.
‘Hello…’ A young sales assistant bounded up to them. ‘Are you looking for anything in particular?’ She glanced from Zoe to Billie, as if not quite sure who she was supposed to be addressing, and then Alex spoke for both of them.
‘We want to buy a cot. For a newborn.’
‘Ah, right this way…’ The woman led them to a section towards the rear of the store. ‘Did you have anything particular in mind? We’ve got more traditional ones there…and then some with more modern features. They’re all tested for safety, so youdon’t have to worry about that whichever you choose. What’s your budget?’
‘I don’t think we really have one,’ Alex said.
‘He means we haven’t talked about it,’ Billie put in, speaking for the first time since they got there. ‘What’s your cheapest?’
The young woman looked faintly confused as she glanced between the three of them again, and Zoe inwardly smiled. She wondered if she looked old enough to be Billie’s mum, as if she and Alex were the grandparents, which might have been a little bit funny if it hadn’t also felt a bit insulting.Didshe look old enough to be Billie’s mum? She hoped not.
‘We have some sale ones,’ the assistant continued, pointing to a row that included one painted sage green, one buttermilk and a couple of varnished shades. ‘There’s nothing wrong with them, just end of lines. You could start there if you like.’
‘Could you leave us to have a look?’ Alex asked. ‘We’ll call you over if we need to ask about anything.’
‘Of course. I’ll be over by the counter if you want me.’
‘So…’ Alex looked at Billie as the assistant left them. ‘There’s no reason why we can’t spend whatever the one you want costs. I’ve got a bigger budget than the sales ones.’
‘There’s no point. The baby’s only going to sleep in there, and I don’t care what it looks like.’
Alex threw a pleading glance at Zoe, but she couldn’t help him. There was an undeniable logic in Billie’s argument.
