Page 96 of New Dreams for the Village Nurse
‘What does that mean? Are we…? Are we over? Is that what you’re telling me?’
Ottilie shook her head. ‘I don’t know.’
‘You’re just going to leave me hanging until you figure it out?’
‘That’s up to you. Nobody’s forcing you to wait for me. If it’s too hard, then you need to do what you need to do.’
‘That’s not fair.’
‘I think we’ve established that none of this is fair.’ Ottilie gave a rueful smile. ‘Since when did fair matter? If life was fair, we wouldn’t even be here right now.’
She realised at once the implications of her statement and Heath’s obvious hurt. Because it meant so much more than them having an argument. It meant that in some other universe, where things were fair and as they should be, Josh would still be alive and Ottilie would be living blissfully in Manchester with him, and she and Heath would never have met. She’d never wish Heath out of her life now, but in that world, she’d never wish Josh out of it. In that world she wouldn’t have given Heath a second glance on the street. What did that say about what they had now? Was it somehow second best? She’d never believed that and she’d been happy with Heath, but she’d inadvertently presented the question to herself in the starkest way and suddenly everything was different.
‘If that’s how you feel…’
He backed away, holding her in a gaze that was at once challenging and yet sorrowful, and a little betrayed. She wanted to go to him and tell him she was sorry, but in the end, that would be a bad idea. She couldn’t allow her heart to decide what was best this time. It was too easy to think that Heath was the answer to everything, but this was her life and it was about time she took control. If she let him think that what he’d done didn’t matter, where would that lead them? To more things that she let slide when she didn’t want to? If they were to have a future then she needed to be stronger than that. And if her being strong ruined everything, then perhaps they’d never been meant to have a future.
Josh had always told her to know her worth. He saw the people-pleaser in her, the aversion to conflict, the need for affirmation from others, and he saw how it sometimes led not to the conflict she’d so desperately wanted to avoid with others but to the conflict it created within her own self. ‘You don’t have to be a pushover for people to like you,’ he’d say. ‘They’ll like you anyway because you’re a good person.’
So right now, she was going to know and acknowledge her worth.
‘You’re right,’ she said, taking a deep breath. ‘It’s not fair to leave you hanging. I think we should take a break.’
‘For how long?’
‘I don’t know. So I suppose that’s leaving you hanging too. In that case, maybe we ought to end it.’
Heath stared at her. ‘You’re dumping me?’ he asked incredulously.
‘Is it that much of a shock? Considering what’s happened? Did you really think I’d just shrug and carry on?’
‘No, but?—’
‘You said you needed certainty, so now you have it. Now we both know where we stand, no more hanging. It’s better this way, and in the end you’ll see that.’
He was silent for a moment, studying her face intently, perhaps hoping to see some sign that her resolve would give way. In another life, in another time, maybe it would have done, but not today. And then he shook his head.
‘OK,’ he said. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t realise how bad this was and that’s on me. I suppose all of this is on me.’
‘I didn’t say that, but you played your part. Maybe it’s a bit on me for letting you think you could. I should have made my lines clearer, but there we go. So for that, I’m sorry too.’
‘Can’t we at least talk about this?’
‘We have. Isn’t that what we’ve been doing?’
‘But this is a big decision – it’s not one we can?—’
‘The decision’s made, Heath. When are you going to start taking me seriously? This is part of the problem – you don’t take me seriously. You think because I’m nice and good you can get away with whatever you like. Mila did it too.’
‘Of course I take you seriously!’
‘That’s not how it looks to me. That’s not how it’s felt the past few days. It’s – us – it’s been lovely, but I think we’ve reached the end of the road.’
‘You really think that?’
Ottilie nodded. She was oddly calm, considering she was about to cut the man she loved out of her life. It was almost as if someone else was doing it for her while she watched from the sidelines. She had Josh’s words floating around in her consciousness: know your worth. Never had they meant more to her than they did now, perhaps because she’d never needed to understand them as fully as she did at this moment.
After another moment of charged silence, while Heath considered his next move and Ottilie waited, he finally looked as if he’d given in.
