Page 70 of New Dreams for the Village Nurse
Ottilie raced home, taking Simon’s curtains with her. After dumping them in the machine and setting it to wash, she gathered all the leftovers in her fridge, and a few more bits beside to make the meal stretch, and then rushed back. She’d have to be ready for Heath when he came over later, but if she had her wits about her there was no reason she couldn’t help Simon too and still get back in time for Heath’s arrival.
When she got back to Simon’s cottage, the front door had been left open for her and the kitchen table cleared. He was busy fixing the glass plate into his microwave and looked up at her arrival.
‘That was quick.’
‘Was it? I must have been hungrier than I realised!’
Ottilie began to take all the food from her basket.
A slow, bemused smile spread across Simon’s face. ‘A few leftovers?’
‘Well, I suppose there is quite a lot. But what we don’t eat you can keep to tide you over until you have a chance to shop properly. You’ve got a freezer?’
‘Yes, Charles left one.’
‘So a lot of this will freeze if you need it to.’
‘I don’t deserve you,’ he said, his smile fixed in place.
‘That’s not true at all. Never mind that – let’s get this stuff in the microwave. Sooner we eat, the sooner we can crack on and finish your cleaning.’
‘You really don’t have to stay this afternoon,’ Simon said, plugging in the microwave and taking a tub from her to put in. ‘You’ve done more than enough, and I can manage.’
‘I know. Heath’s coming over later so I’ll only stay another hour and then pop off. I’ve got the time to spare and I’d only be messing around at my place.’
‘I don’t think you ever mess around at your place. From what I can tell you don’t have time – you’re always doing things for other people. I mean, today is a perfect example. You ought to be enjoying a well-earned day off, not knee-deep in muck at my house.’
‘I suppose there’s a bit of me that doesn’t like being alone too often,’ Ottilie said, taking out a bag of chopped salad. ‘Too much time to think. I’d rather be occupied.’
‘I can relate to that,’ Simon said, the mood visibly darkening over the room.
Ottilie forced a bright smile. ‘I’m not going to say it gets easier, because you and I know that’s not really what it’s about. It does get easier, but that doesn’t change the facts, and it getting easier only makes your emotions about it more complicated by guilt.’
Simon nodded slowly. ‘Couldn’t have put it better myself. You don’t lose someone and then it’s all right. They’re always lost, no matter what else comes, no matter who else moves into that space.’
‘Exactly.’
‘If you don’t mind me asking…how does it work for you? I mean, how does it…’ Simon let out a sigh. ‘I know what I’m trying to say but not how to say it. But you have Heath now. I’ve never even thought about anyone else and I don’t know how I’d deal with a new relationship. But I suppose it might happen. You’re there now, so how do you deal with it? The guilt, I mean? Because I’m sure there must be some – I know I’d feel it.’
‘Sometimes I don’t even know. I try to remember that Heath is not replacing Josh; I’m just making space in my heart for more than one man. I have to stretch it – perhaps that’s a good thing. My heart is bigger for having to make that extra space, and perhaps it’s easier to love because it’s bigger…’ Ottilie let out a short laugh. ‘That makes no sense to anyone but me, I’m sure. I felt guilty all the time at first. In fact, I tried hard not to like Heath, even though I was mad about him. I couldn’t admit that I had feelings for someone else because it felt like such a betrayal of Josh.’
‘You don’t feel that way now?’
‘Sometimes, but not as often. It’s like anything – it takes time. It’s not much for you to go on, but it’s the best I can offer. I’m sorry if you were hoping for something more profound.’
‘No, but it’s good to see that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Since the accident, it’s felt as if there would never be anyone else – I didn’t want there to be anyone else. But since I got to Thimblebury I’ve started to feel a bit differently, and I don’t really know what to do with it.’
‘I felt the same. I’m sure it’s normal.’
The microwave pinged, making Ottilie jump.
‘God, I’d forgotten all about that!’ she said with a shaky laugh.
‘Me too.’
Simon smiled now, but Ottilie could see he was still troubled, still mulling over their discussion, perhaps deciding how he feltabout her advice – such as it was. She hardly felt it constituted advice at all, and it was vague at best. She couldn’t tell him how to deal with his grief, how he could move on, because she’d fumbled her own way through it, no clear path, no strategy, no words of wisdom to be gleaned from her experiences. All she could say with certainty was that it had been hard, and sometimes she’d felt she might get swallowed by the darkness, and it was only because the right man had come into her life that she was here at all.
And she couldn’t underestimate the support of her wonderful friends and neighbours in Thimblebury either. They’d welcomed her in and given her all the time and patience and understanding she’d needed to help her heal. She was sure they’d do the same for Simon too, but she wasn’t going to tell him that. Somehow to say so seemed patronising and assumed that was what he wanted from them. And when she thought about it, his relationship with the villagers was bound to be different from her own. He was going to be their GP, after all, and he probably didn’t – or couldn’t – allow everyone to get too close to him. Fliss had always kept a distance for exactly the same reason. She was a part of the village, but there had always been a final line of defence that kept her a little detached too.
