Page 30 of New Dreams for the Village Nurse
‘I’m not sure if I do or not, but it’s how I feel looking at his grave right now. It makes no difference to him if I come or not.’
‘It makes a difference to you – that’s what matters.’
‘Then that’s selfish.’
‘Ottilie…’
Heath’s tone had a note of concerned warning in it. She was spiralling – she felt it, and he could see it. It used to happen a lot in the early days. Perhaps it was selfish to have come, , but perhaps the only way she was ever going to completely move past this tragedy was to be selfish. Perhaps she could only be selfish, and perhaps Josh would have understood that too. Josh wasn’t here, so everything she did that concerned him and his memory was for herself in some way. Visiting the grave, seeing his family…it was all for her really. She’d go and sit with his parents later because she wanted them to think she still cared. It wasn’t for Josh – he couldn’t give a fig now. She was here nowbecause she felt that forgetting him made her a bad person – Josh didn’t care about that either. Josh would have known that she hadn’t forgotten him; there was no need for any big show as far as he was concerned. So all of it had to be for her.
‘There’s a little café at the gates,’ she said. ‘Let’s go and get a hot drink.’
‘You’re sure? You don’t want to stay a bit longer?’
Ottilie shook her head. ‘I think, just for today, a bit of selfish might be OK.’
Heath had gone off to see a friend, giving Ottilie time and space to visit Josh’s parents. It had been a lovely but emotionally draining few hours, and by the time she and Heath met for a late lunch she was exhausted.
‘I’m sorry I’m going to be rubbish for the rest of the day,’ she said as they followed a waiter to their table.
‘Don’t be daft. I wasn’t expecting us to be going on a pub crawl. It’s fine – you don’t have to apologise to me. I knew what sort of day it was going to be.’
‘And yet you still came.’
‘Of course. You’d have done it for me. You’d have done it for anyone.’
‘Even so, it must be a bit miserable for you.’
‘Would you stop that – I don’t want you to think about that again. I’m here with you and that’s enough for me. I want to be here.’
Ottilie took a seat at the table they’d been shown to. The restaurant was a decent mid-price Italian that was considered a reliable bet by locals for a good bowl of pasta. The walls were dotted with black-and-white photos of Italian scenes: rolling Tuscan hills, glorious churches, terracotta-roofed villages and clifftops bordered by sparkling seas. Some of them were photosof people in fashions of days gone by. Ottilie had been here before and often wondered if they were the ancestors of the current owners. In fact, she’d eaten here often with Josh, but when Heath had suggested it she hadn’t the heart to say so. He’d seemed so pleased with his choice, eager to see her pleased too, it would have been cruel to deny him that little triumph. And as days went, hers had been sobering but his hadn’t exactly been a picnic either. They both deserved better.
‘It’s nice in here, isn’t it?’ Heath said as he poured them both a glass of water from a jug already on the table.
Ottilie nodded. ‘Good choice.’
‘I remembered you’d said you liked Italian food.’
‘I do. I love it.’
He was silent for a moment. He seemed eager to please but wary of saying the wrong thing. Ottilie hated that he might feel that way.
‘It’s nice to be in Manchester,’ she said.
‘Really? Because we…’
‘I know we only came because of Josh, but I’ve actually enjoyed being back here more than I thought I would. I love Thimblebury, don’t get me wrong, but Manchester is home. It’s where I’m from so it’s always going to be important.’
‘I’m glad.’
‘I’ll come to visit you more here. It doesn’t seem fair now that I think of it. You always have to come to Thimblebury.’
‘I don’t mind; I like Thimblebury.’
‘I know. And I don’t really have so much of an excuse to stay away now. After all, they got the guy who killed Josh – not that I had to worry in the first place. It was a weird time, I suppose.’
Heath seemed to pause for longer than was necessary before he asked the next question. ‘Bound to be. It looks like this conviction is going to stick then?’
Ottilie reached for her water. ‘Faith seems to think so…You know, Josh’s old colleague Faith.’
