Page 103 of New Dreams for the Village Nurse
‘Has he said anything to you?’
‘Not really. Nothing specific anyway, though I can tell he’s happy.’
‘I’m so glad to hear that. For all my troubles over the years, they’re nothing compared to his. You know about his wife and daughter?’
Ottilie nodded.
‘I can’t even imagine what he went through, and yet I feel as if there’s so much more that he hasn’t told me yet. I think he wants to, but…’
‘It’s early days. I’m sure when he’s ready he’ll tell you.’
‘I hope so. I want us to be at that point where we can share things and he feels he can tell me anything. Like you and Heath—’ Stacey stopped and flushed.
‘It’s all right,’ Ottilie said. ‘I thought Heath and I were at that point, but I suppose I was wrong.’
‘You seemed so good together. Is there really no way you can fix it?’
‘Doesn’t seem as if he wants to.’
‘Perhaps he does but he daren’t contact you. From what you told me, I don’t blame him. He probably feels as if what he did was unforgivable.’
‘And I don’t suppose my reaction helped.’
‘It was a natural one. It seems sad to me that you two had something so good and it was ruined by lots of things out of your control.’
Ottilie was silent for a moment. Had it been good? She’d had her doubts even before the Mila debacle, but perhaps she’d been reading the situation all wrong. Heath hadn’t given her cause to doubt him in the beginning. Now that she thought about it, his behaviour change was probably linked to Mila dreaming up her scheme to help her cousin get off his murder charge and him feeling guilty about it. She ought to have seen it. Instead, she’d lost her patience and proved to him that what he’d thought was right – that he wasn’t worthy.
Did it matter that he’d never told her he loved her? Whether she heard the words or not, what difference did it make? Surely love was shown through deeds, not said with words. Any old fool, any old charlatan could say they loved her, but that didn’t make it true. What made it true was actions. He’d made a stupid mistake covering for Mila but he’d already explained that it had been done out of fear. Ottilie had refused to listen to that too.
Was it too late? It had been so long now Heath would have moved on, wouldn’t he? And rightly so. She’d told him she didn’t want him, but that hadn’t been true. She had some mad notion of not needing him, that she somehow couldn’t make compromises and it wasn’t like her. She was the queen of compromises – always had been. She’d wanted to shake that part of her personality; she’d wanted to prove to the world that she could be strong and single-minded and that she didn’t need anyone – but at what cost? Wasn’t the right man worth the odd compromise? And it wasn’t as if he’d ever asked her tochange. He hadn’t been perfect, but then neither had she. He’d been jealous – but he couldn’t help what he was any more than she could. She’d had to contend with Mila trying to wreck what they’d had, and in cutting Mila from her life she’d wrecked what she’d had with Heath all by herself. Heath had been keeping things from her, but it had been a mistake, and surely everyone made mistakes. She’d handed Mila the victory and Mila had hardly lifted a finger to get it.
Yes, she’d been horrified to learn that Mila was related to the family who’d been responsible for Josh’s death, and yes, it had made things difficult that Heath had history with her and them, and yes, she’d been angry that he’d kept it from her. But he’d done it from fear of losing her, and perhaps – despite what she’d told him – she’d have done the same. If she’d never discovered it, would it have mattered? Would it have made a difference to them if she’d never known?
It was the uncertainty that had done for them – she saw that now. She’d somehow convinced herself that he hadn’t loved her, that he still held a torch for Mila, and perhaps that was down to a lack of self-belief on her part. She’d felt less-than, uncomprehending of why he’d want to love her. She’d seen the effect Mila had on him, had heard the stories of how he’d pined for her, struggled to let go when their marriage had ended, and wondered how she could ever compete with a love so epic. While Ottilie and Heath had been understated and gentle, Mila and Heath had been fiery and volcanic, all passion and hatred, and sometimes the two entangled so that they were the same thing. Ottilie was no Mila. She wasn’t fiery and she never could be. She wasn’t exciting and dangerous and sexy. She was warm and safe and nurturing, and how could Heath be happy with someone like her when he’d had someone like Mila?
‘It’s done now anyway,’ she said briskly, swallowing back a lump in her throat. There was no point in crying about it. Heath was out of her life and too much time had passed to fix things.
‘It’s funny how we seem to have swapped roles,’ Stacey said. ‘When you were with Heath I was alone, and now I’m with Simon…I know what Heath did was out of order, but?—’
Ottilie turned sharply. ‘Where’s this come from? Has he been in touch?’
‘With me?’ Stacey shook her head, but something about it left Ottilie unconvinced.
‘Please, if he has…’
‘No. It’s not that. I want to see you happy, like you did me. That’s it, that’s all.’
Any further discussion was cut short by the arrival of Flo, Lavender, Charles and Fliss.
‘Here she is!’ Charles made a beeline for Ottilie to give her a hug. ‘Our favourite nurse.’ He turned to Stacey and hugged her too. ‘And the woman who’s put that big permanent smile on the face of our Dr Stokes!’
‘How are you feeling?’ Ottilie asked with a smile.
‘All the better for seeing you two. I take it you’ve been roped into helping too.’
‘I think the entire village has,’ Stacey said. ‘What’s your job?’
‘I have no idea yet, simply reporting for duty. I await my orders.’
