Page 48 of New Dreams for the Village Nurse
She told herself it didn’t matter, just as she’d done before, but it would never be true. And in the back of her mind the question still lingered, the one she was too afraid to ask. He’dtold her about Mila, about how difficult his life with her had been, that their relationship had been toxic and doomed from the start, and yet he’d once admitted that he’d loved her so much he’d struggled to let go, even when he’d known how bad she was for him. So the question was this: despite what he said, did the fact he’d brought Ottilie here today mean on some level he still thought about Mila? Did he sometimes wish he was still with her? Did he still love her?
Ottilie was afraid of the answer but even more afraid that she might never know.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
The day had been strange and difficult after Heath’s admission. Ottilie had tried hard to let go of it, and she suspected Heath was overcompensating for his mistake – at least, the one he thought he’d made, though she felt that for her to call it a mistake was unfair – and it only made things worse. They’d forced jollity and affection over lunch, and thank God salmon wasn’t on the menu. In the afternoon Ottilie had decided it might be a good idea to give him some distance and so had booked herself into some extra treatment sessions while he went into the gym.
As she lay with her eyes closed, having lotions and potions applied to her face, she ought to have been more relaxed than ever, but her mind was teeming. She and Heath had been seeing each other for four months now, and yet she was reminded on a daily basis – and never more than this day – that four months was still very new and uncertain. She’d taken for granted when Josh had been around how easy married life was. Not easy in the sense that they never argued or that they never encountered difficulties, but easy in the sense that they knew each other’s souls in a way that only years together can do. She’d look at Josh and she’d know what he was thinking. She could see whenhe needed company and when he needed alone time, when he needed consoling and when he needed to brood. She knew the things that would hurt him if she did them, and he understood her in exactly the same way. Sometimes they thought exactly the same thing at the same time and an explanation was seldom needed.
She couldn’t remember them getting to that point. It had seemed like a natural progression too subtle to notice, and yet it must have been exactly like this with Josh in the beginning. Looking at things now with Heath, it also felt like it would be a long time before she got to that point with him, and the mechanics of that journey were laid out so plainly that she felt daunted by it. Could they do this? She had no doubt that she wanted to go the distance with Heath, but wanting and achieving were two very different things.
Ottilie had also wanted to ask him whether he knew Mila had been trying to contact Flo again. He hadn’t mentioned it, though she realised now that him not mentioning it didn’t mean anything. It would have been a difficult conversation, but far easier than it would have been before Mila had thrown her shadow over their day. It would seem as if Ottilie was on a special vendetta, out for some kind of character assassination rather than genuine concern for Flo’s well-being. And itwasgenuine, as was the need to understand how Mila still fitted into Heath’s life. No matter how he denied it, how many times he told Ottilie that he didn’t think about her, the fact was she had a past with him which inevitably still had some effect on his present and would probably continue to influence his decisions into his future. That much was obvious, even if Heath chose not to believe it.
Ottilie was also convinced that their encounter at the restaurant wasn’t the last time they’d ever run into her. If nothing else, it seemed Mila would make sure of that. Herenjoyment of the moment, of Heath’s obvious discomfort, of causing such emotional chaos had been written all over her face that day. And from what Ottilie had heard, she wasn’t the sort of woman to give that sort of sport up easily.
They’d chatted all the way home in the car, but for all the good humour, it had felt forced. Heath had come inside for a drink but didn’t stay long, announcing that he had an early start in the morning and needed to get a good night’s sleep. So Ottilie kissed him goodbye and was left to watch television alone, trying to follow the plot of a thriller, but really her mind was taking her back over and over the events of the day, more and more mortified at her own behaviour and more confused about Heath’s with each visit.
Ottilie had just made her morning call to Hilltop Farm and was pleased to see Ann making good progress and all calm with Darryl. It was also exciting to have the promised bicycle ready for collection. She’d taken a sneaky turn around the farmyard on it and was looking forward to picking it up later after work and going out for a ride. And she was still munching on a doorstop of toast with jam Ann had made from her own strawberry crop when she arrived at the surgery and Lavender almost leaped over the reception desk to greet her.
‘Fliss is in with Simon again!’
Ottilie crammed the last corner of toast into her mouth. ‘Is she?’
‘She was here really early.’
‘How do you know?’
‘Because she was here when I got here, and I was early.’
‘Hmm…’ Ottilie dropped the greaseproof paper her toast had been in into the bin behind the reception desk and leaned acrossto look at a patient list showing on the screen. ‘Well, whatever it is, I’m sure we’ll hear about it later.’
‘How can you be so calm about it?’
Ottilie looked up. ‘There’s no point in being anything else, is there? What are we meant to do? Listen at the keyhole?’
Lavender grinned. ‘There’s an idea!’
‘You’re welcome to try.’ Ottilie laughed lightly as she unbuttoned her coat. ‘I’ll wait until Fliss or Simon are ready to tell us. It might not even be anything to do with us anyway.’
‘It is – I feel it in my bones.’
‘You want to see a doctor about that,’ Ottilie replied as she went through to her own office. She could still hear Lavender laughing as she closed the door and switched on her computer.
Ottilie was in no doubt that Lavender had a point – Fliss was in early, and they knew she’d been deliberating her future at the surgery. There was a good chance that this morning’s meeting was a follow-on from that, but though Ottilie was dying to know as much as Lavender was, there was no point in speculating.
The clinic had been a gruelling one and it had overrun, as it seemed to do a lot these days. Ottilie could have sworn Lavender was sneaking extra patients onto her list and not telling her, because the flow seemed to be never-ending. Much of it was blood-pressure checks, breathing tests, diet progress, wound dressing and other routine things that Ottilie could do with her eyes closed, but now and again one of her patients would throw her a curveball, making an appointment for a routine thing and then dropping something more challenging into the visit. This morning she’d been invited to examine some unexpected haemorrhoids, and a bunion so big it needed its own extra shoe. She’d no sooner seen Mrs Icke off than Fliss popped her head around the door.
‘Are you free for a moment?’
‘Of course!’ Ottilie went to give her a brief hug. ‘How is everything? How’s Charles doing?’
‘Really well actually. The cardiologist is pleased, though he’s complaining like mad that I won’t let him go back to work yet.’
‘That sounds good then. So…I’m guessing this is not a social call?’
Fliss stepped into the room and closed the door behind her. ‘Nothing gets past you, does it? No, it’s not. Well, there is a social element to it and there is business too. It’s sort of all connected if you like.’
‘Right.’
