Page 18 of New Dreams for the Village Nurse
‘I haven’t forgotten it’s a weird time for you right now.’
‘Josh’s birthday’s coming up. I didn’t want to keep going on about it, but…’
‘So I’m right.’
She nodded. ‘It’s just another thing, and it doesn’t seem important at all when something like Charles’s heart attack happens, but yes, it’s on my mind. In the most horrible way, I just want to go to the cemetery and get it over and done with. Is that awful? Because it feels awful. I feel so guilty, but that’s how it is. I want to remember him, but it hurts, and I don’t want you to think…’
‘Hey, we talked about this. We’re together but that doesn’t erase him from your life. He was here before me, and that’s fine. Sometimes I feel shitty, because I wouldn’t wish what happened to him on anyone but I am grateful to have you, and I know I wouldn’t have you if he’d still been alive. So if anyone ought to feel guilty, that’s a big tick for me right there.’
‘Who knew this whole second-go thing would be so hard?’
‘If it’s any consolation, you don’t need to have any guilt where Mila is concerned. My toxic ex can stay in my past where she belongs.’
‘I suppose it’s one less complication, and God knows we have enough of those.’
‘Maybe, but we’re worth it, aren’t we?’
Ottilie nodded. ‘I hope so.’
‘Only hope? So you don’t know how crazy I am about you? I haven’t demonstrated it enough already? Jeez, what do I need to do?’
She couldn’t help a quiet laugh now. ‘I don’t know. I think I get it. I’m sorry if I’m sometimes a bit unsure. And I get so scared…’
‘I’m not going anywhere.’
‘That’s what Fliss thought about Charles only twelve hours ago. And now look at them.’
‘OK, I don’t intend to go anywhere. How’s that? I’m afraid it’s the best I can do.’
‘I know it is, and that’s what scares me. I keep telling myself that lightning can’t strike twice, but the thing is, it can. It does.’
‘It’s less likely.’
‘But still possible.’
Heath walked the path to take her in his arms, and she let her head sink into his shoulder. His shirt had got damp from the mist; she could feel the fabric sticking to her cheek as she listened to his heartbeats. Safe, solid, strong. It gave her comfortto hear them, to know he was alive and real and present in her life. This thing with Heath was still so new, and yet she couldn’t imagine a day when she wouldn’t want to have him close.
‘I get it,’ he said, kissing her head. ‘You know that I do. I can’t tell you what you want to hear; I wish I could. All I can do is let you know that I understand and that you don’t have to keep it from me. Whatever you’re feeling, however scared or doubtful, even if you think it sounds crazy, come and talk to me.’
‘I know, and I want to. I’ll try, I promise.’
‘It’s not a promise you need to make to me but to yourself.’
‘Yeah, I know that too.’ Ottilie pulled away to look up at him. ‘Is your gran watching us from the window?’
He laughed. ‘Yes. She thinks if she pulls the curtains open just a crack we can’t tell. Bloody nightmare she is.’
‘She’s just Flo. I suppose we can let her off that.’
‘You think you can go back in? Half an hour and we’ll head back to yours.’
‘Yes. I wasn’t really mad at her anyway.’
‘You could have fooled me.’
‘No, I wasn’t. I just have a short fuse right now.’
‘It’s understandable.’
