Page 108 of New Dreams for the Village Nurse
‘Of course.’
‘Because you don’t have to pretend. Heath is here and…what does he want? To try again – is that why he’s come? To talk you round?’
Ottilie nodded. ‘I think so.’
‘And you don’t want to?’
‘That’s the thing, I do.’
‘Then I don’t see the problem.’
‘How can I? It’s not only about where we left it, but remember who he’s related to.’
‘He’s not – his ex-wife is.’
‘And she’s another problem. I think he still has feelings for her; I think he always has done.’
‘Don’t be daft!’
Ottilie looked up at Stacey’s suddenly sharp tone.
‘You’re being an idiot if you think that’s true. Anyone can see it’s not and it’s you he wants. Seems to me you’re finding excuses…Self-sabotaging, Simon calls it. Like you don’t think you deserve good things so you ruin them before the universe has a chance to do it for you. Says he’s done it ever since…well, you know.’
‘Why would Simon feel that way? He…’
Ottilie now recalled a conversation they’d had in the waiting room at the hospital the night Mackenzie had been rushed in.
‘Did he ever tell you about the young boy who’d had a viral infection and he’d missed it until it was almost too late?’
‘Well, yes, but…’
‘Did he ever tell you how badly that affected him? How he’d almost quit medicine? How he’d almost given up on everything…Well, he felt he didn’t deserve to forget that, to move past it.’
So much had happened since that night, but now Ottilie thought about it she remembered Simon telling her he’d almost abandoned his medical career. So it had been about more than losing his family? ‘But he has now? You seem so happy together.’
‘There’s more to it than that – I certainly can’t take all the credit. He saw what he was doing and he got to grips with it, and he realised that making himself suffer wasn’t putting anything right, and it certainly didn’t change what had gone before.’
‘He told you all this?’
‘Yes. And I know he wouldn’t mind me telling you if it would do some good.’
‘But it’s not the same at all.’
‘Isn’t it? Isn’t it the case that you already felt like you were betraying Josh by falling for another man? And then it was ten times worse when you realised that man had a connection to Josh’s killer? As far as I can see, that’s at the root of all your problems, but none of it is Heath’s fault and it’s certainly not yours, so what’s the point in both of you being punished for it? You love him?’
‘You know I do.’
‘And he loves you.’
‘He’s never said?—’
‘If he didn’t, he wouldn’t be here today. It doesn’t matter what he’s said. What matters is what he does, surely. I can bet you’d be saying that exact thing to me if it was the other way round and I was the one having the wobbles.’
‘Wobbles…’ Ottilie gave a rueful smile. ‘Is that what it looks like?’
‘It looks like a bloody earthquake from where I’m standing, but I was being kind. I think the world of you, Ott, but my God you’re a total nightmare sometimes! Be selfish for once! Take what you want and stop worrying about the consequences!’
It was Simon’s turn to walk in and look confused. ‘Sorry, am I…? I can leave if you need a minute…’
