Page 107 of New Dreams for the Village Nurse
‘You’re not going to eat?’ Heath asked.
‘Not yet. Thought I’d make a start on all this. And anyway, we’ve not finished serving yet. Someone’s got to clear away the plates when people have finished and put out dessert.’
‘And that’s got to be you? All by yourself? You don’t change, do you?’
She looked up, perhaps a bit too sharply when she saw the regret on his face. ‘What does that mean?’
‘I didn’t mean…I wasn’t trying to be funny or offensive. I only meant…you always put others first. It was the thing that I…loved about you most but also the thing that frustrated me most.’
It was a bit too late to be using the word love, even if it hadn’t been a direct admission of it, but Ottilie couldn’t be bothered to say so. She was sick of this pantomime – it was driving her insane and taking far too much energy to keep up.
‘Why have you really come today?’ she asked.
‘Nothing gets past you, does it?’
‘Were you hoping to get something past me?’
‘No. I realise I have no right to say this, and you might not want to hear it, but I’ve missed you.’
‘Have you? Because your gran said?—’
‘That I was OK? I told her to say that. I didn’t want to make you feel sorry for me, and…well, it would have been the wrong reason for us to try again. Pity, I mean. There’s nothing sadder than a romance based on pity, is there?’
‘So what changed?’
‘I suppose I realised that maybe I didn’t care as much as I thought about whether it was pity or not. The truth is I can’t believe I did such a stupid thing to mess up the most brilliant thing I’d ever had, and yes, I’m sorry if it sounds selfish but I want to know if there’s a way back. If you say there isn’t, I won’t ask again, but if there’s even the faintest hope…’
‘This isn’t fair. Why now, after all this time, after I’d got used to life without you? It’s cruel.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘The worst thing is I want to try again, and it’s not pity, but how can I? How can I trust what we had?’
‘Surely you can trust what you felt? It was good, wasn’t it?’
‘At first it was amazing, and I…’
‘What?’
Ottilie shook her head. She’d told him she loved him back then and never heard it said in return. She wasn’t about to go down that road again.
The kitchen door swung open and Stacey pushed a trolley full of dirty crockery in.
‘Oh…sorry, was I interrupting?’ she asked with more than a hint of intrigued amusement on her face.
‘No,’ Ottilie said. ‘Let me take those – I was loading the dishwasher anyway.’
‘I’ll help,’ Heath began, but Ottilie stopped him.
‘No, go and help Stacey clear the tables.’
He seemed to realise what the subtext was: Ottilie didn’t want to be alone with him right now. He nodded and followed Stacey out, and as she watched, Ottilie fought back tears. Why was this so hard? She knew what she wanted, and yet she felt forced to deny it. Why couldn’t she let go and let him back in?
Stupid, sensible Ottilie had struck again. The Ottilie who never took risks, who overthought everything. Why couldn’t she just bugger off? Why couldn’t she take a chance on happiness?Was it always bound to end in disaster? Couldn’t someone change and learn and grow, like Heath seemed to have done? And couldn’t she do the same?
Stacey came back in as Ottilie was closing the door on the first load of dishes.
‘I’ve got—’ She stopped mid-sentence and peered more closely at Ottilie. ‘Are you all right?’
