Page 68 of Petals and Strings
Yet, I was terrified it wouldn’t last. Every good day was always snatched away.
As I hit the last key, ending this entry, I felt a sense of relief wash over me. It was the same every single time. Now that it was there, in words, immortalized, I didn’t have to cling to it quite so tight.
Three days since starting, and countless memories, yet I could still picture my girls as vividly as ever. They hadn’t faded.
That alone made it feel like I could breathe again. That some of the weight that threatened to crush me had fallen away.
I forced myself to get up and grab clothes from my room. I wanted a hot shower to wash away the lingering sadness so I could call Sarah again.
We’d talked every day the last few days and I wanted to keep up with that streak the best I could.
Nancy’s face lit up when I walked out of my room. “Oh, you’re up and moving, so good to see, Caspian!”
“Thanks. Feeling alright today,” I admitted. At least for as long as Dr. Malik and his meds stayed far away.
And maybe the memories.
“I’ll walk you over so you can get some peace,” she promised, snagging my shower kit from the nurse’s station. “Don’t make me regret it, though.”
She slid a razor in and gave me a look.
“I’m fine,” I reassured her. “Just pop open the door and check in if I take a while.”
It was better than someone watching you wash your body. That didn’t cross my mind most days. Hell, she’d washed me more times than I cared to admit.
But right now, I wanted to do it myself. To prove I had a handle on my mind.
The water felt incredible as it rained down on me, washing away the grime of this place. I took my time washing the bodywash over every inch of myself, ensuring I was actually clean.
Then I moved onto my hair, taking time to wash and condition the tangles out of it. Maybe I’d even let it hang loose today like I used to.
Tatum loved when I did and so did I. Maybe Audrey would, too.
God, I really lost myself. That was enough to make me sick, my stomach churning. I’d let them take my family and my entire being.
Years. I’d lost years here.
Fuck. Sarah.
I braced myself, waiting for grief to join the shame. It was there, but more dull than usual, throbbing in the background of my mind and heart, hurting, aching, but not drowning me in its tumultuous depths.
“Caspian?”
“I’m still fine,” I called back with a chuckle. Her breath of relief echoed out in the room.
Not wanting to keep her waiting forever I dug out the shaving cream and razor, cleaning up my face carefully.
By the time I was dressed, I felt like a new man.
“What’s on the list for the rest of today? Do I have time to call home?”
Something passed on her face but she didn’t press, just nodded. “Of course, I’m sure Director Cross would be thrilled you’re feeling up to it. Go do that now, I’ll return all this, and then meet the group for art therapy in thirty minutes.”
There wasn’t an artistic bone in my body but I nodded like a good patient and rushed up to the front office. I don’t think I took a breath until I heard her voice on the other end.
“Caspian,” she greeted excitedly. There was a voice in the background, a soft and sweet one that for some reason was achingly familiar. Yet, I couldn’t place it.
“Are you not at home?”
