Page 83 of Maverick
I had no control over losing Sadie. And I didn’t know how to share my real self with her. I didn’t do it. I didn’t give her a chance. The shortcomings in our marriage, the difficult spots, they were not on her. They were on me. But I was young and feral, and I didn’t know a different way to be. I do now.
I think of Stella, who at twenty-four is somehow so much wiser than I am. Who told me to change myself, not to wait for her, or our feelings to change me.
To get off my damned ass and do it myself.
But I lived a whole life where my love couldn’t change a damn thing, and so I wanted to believe it was magic. And that maybe mine wasn’t enough. Just like with my mother.
Goddammit, is that really the thing?
It is. I feel it, boiling and burning down in the center of my gut. It is the whole damn thing. I couldn’t change her. I wasn’t enough. And so I never wanted to show all of myself to Sadie, because I thought I had to play a part, to be someone who couldbe enough, and then with Stella, because I wasn’t aiming for that, I didn’t try. And she wants me.
But it seems impossible. Seems like a miracle that I can’t claim. Seems like something that doesn’t belong to me. Because I’m the bad guy.
But what if I tried to be her hero? What if I tried to make myself into someone, something that was worthy of her?
All this time, I wanted love to change me. To make me enough. But I need to change for love. For her. I need to make a future if I want to be able to see it.
Otherwise, all that’s ever going to be there is darkness.
All that will ever be on the other side of this is nothing. Unless I create it.
And then, it’s like seeing it speed up again. I’m still on the bull, still going, being tossed around like a ragdoll. The noise of the crowd in my head. I look up. Is she still in the box? I can’t see. My vision is blurry.
The clock crosses eight seconds. I jump off the bull. I’m last. I’ll know if I won the minute the score goes up.
All I can think about is her.
My thoughts are spinning. Because suddenly I can see something on the other side of this, and it’s not dependent on the outcome. Win or lose, there’s either a life without Stella, or a life with her.
There are choices that I can’t make now. And that’s unfair. I can’t make my mom get off drugs. I can’t make her see everything that she sacrificed. I can’t save Sadie from the random twist of fate that made her lose her life that day. I can’t go back and be better, because I wasn’t then. But I can be now. I can be better now.
If I’d never met Stella, though, I don’t know if that would be true. There’s something about her. She challenged me. Changed me.
She said all the right things. Even when I said all the wrong ones. I’m more myself with her than I’ve ever been with anyone. And she doesn’t see it as a bad thing.
Well, she didn’t. She’s here tonight, though, and I want that to mean something. I really desperately do.
The score is posted, and my name goes to the top spot.
I did it.
I won the championship. A million dollars. Bragging rights.
I look up at the box I know she should be in, and I don’t see her there. I’m suddenly desperate. Sick with the need for her.
It’s all that matters.She’sall that matters.
Maybe she left early. Maybe I hallucinated her.
I also don’t blame her if she came without using my tickets, because that sounds like something she would do, too. I don’t blame her for being sick of me and my shit.
But I need her. I need her to still want me. Even though I messed it all up. I need her to still want me, even though I haven’t given her reason to.
The only lead I have on where she might be is the suite, even though I couldn’t see her there. When I arrive, there are people milling around outside, and I don’t see her.
People are staring at me. Because I’m not down in the arena accepting accolades. Not collecting a prize like I ought to be.
Except I need to be here.
