Page 58 of Maverick
“Yes,” Stella says, laughing. “I am. I know Maverick from the rodeo. But in another life, I rode dressage, so I’m here getting my skills back up.”
“Is that so? A rodeo rider. Barrel racing?”
“Yes. Though I am tempted sometimes to try out the bulls.”
The old man laughs. “You gotta be careful about those bulls. I hear you mess with them and you get the horns.”
She looks at me, and I have to suppress the physical reaction I have to those glittering blue eyes on mine. She’s so beautiful. And I shouldn’t be having full-blown sexual attraction to her right there in the store. But I am.
“Well,” he says, looking up from the computer. “This is going to take a couple of weeks. It’s backordered.”
I suppress a groan. And I’m not sure if it’s one of disappointment or pleasure. Well, I know what I’m trying to convey. But in actuality, my body is thrilled. To have her captive for a bit.
I can just imagine laying her down in the guest bedroom and taking my time with her…
I shove that to the side. “That’s fine. I’ve got extra space for her.”
“I’m small,” Stella says. “I won’t take up that much room.”
I look at her and smile, but then I feel Sam looking at us, and I suspect we are not doing a great job at hiding the fact that we are sleeping together. Jesus Christ. How old am I? She makesme feel like I’m in my twenties. Like I’m navigating something I don’t know how to navigate, except I still feel like I’m carrying all the baggage I’ve accumulated in the last decade. That doesn’t seem fair. If you’re going to feel young, shouldn’t you also feel unencumbered?
Wouldn’t know.
Encumbered is kind of my whole vibe.
I place the order and head back out of the store with her, and she looks away. “Sorry to be such a pain.”
“You’re not a pain.”
I know that both of us are treading lightly around this. Around the reality of us cohabitating. And what it means.
“You’ll stay in the guest bedroom,” I say. “And we’ll keep…”
“You want your own space, but you want to still fuck me?”
She’s smiling when she says that.
“Yeah. That’s about the size of it.”
“Well, that’s okay with me. I don’t especially mind.”
“Oh, good. As long as you don’t mind.”
She snickers and elbows me, and I grab hold of her hand, just for a second. My heart stops. It’s the strangest sensation. I release my hold on her and open up the passenger door of the truck. “Get in.”
She does without argument, which is notable because she’s usually a little bit persnickety.
I shake my head as I round to the driver’s side.
I don’t rightly know what I’ve gotten myself into for the next couple of months. But at least there’s a time frame. It makes it feel secure. Makes it feel like I don’t have to make decisions. Or really change anything. Because this is just a moment that exists all by itself.
And then I’ll get right back on track. Right back into the championship. Ready to go. I have to make sure that I keep my conditioning up, but now Stella is set up with Frank, and that’sall good. So I can get back to my thing, and in the evenings we can… Well, it feels good to have a little bit of release. She’s getting experience, and I’m getting that.
I get into the truck and ignore how uncomfortable it feels to think of her as that. As a release, and nothing more. It feels like it sells her short, but that can’t be my concern.
I used to think that love could fix me. I know that it can’t now. And I’m not dragging anybody else into my issues. It’s not right. That’s one thing I know better than to do now.
She can’t fix me. It’s entirely possible that no one can. I wanted to believe it once upon a time. That I wouldn’t be defined by a childhood I didn’t choose. But the longer I live, the more the difficult things about me seem to just be entrenched in who I am. I wouldn’t know what to do to fix it if I wanted to. If I tried.
