Page 75 of Maverick
It has to count for something.
“I love you. I love you, and I think that you’re happier with me in your life.”
“Here’s what you don’t understand,” he says. “I don’t want to do this again. I flat out don’t. Not only that, I can’t. I’ve done this before.”
“I know you have. I know that you loved her so much–”
“I was failing her, Stella. And I will not fail somebody else. You can love somebody so much, and still let them down. You can want something to be good and real and last forever, and try to do all that, and still not be enough. I think Sadie would’ve stayed with me. Because of whoshewas. Not because of who I am. But God, I struggled. I struggled every day to be the thing that I knew she needed me to be. I kept waiting, waiting on that relationship to change me, but it didn’t. I’m not husband and father material. I wanted to be. There was a time in my life when I dreamed I could be. A time in my life when I thought it was possible. But I know better now. I know that it’s not. I’m not dragging you into that, I’m not dragging myself into it.”
I frowned. “I don’t even understand what that means. I’ve never dreamed about having a husband, Maverick. Not ever. Butwhen I’m with you, I dream about having you. You. The man who sat by that pond and told me that he wishes his mom would have an overdose because then there would be justice.
That man.
That’s the one that I want. That man that’s honest and rough. The one who won my virginity but didn’t take it until it wasn’t a prize. The man who punched out the asshole hitting on me at a bar, the man who alienates half of everybody around him. I have an extremely realistic view of who you are. You never once falsely advertised yourself to me. And I still think that you’re the good guy. I just think you don’t know how to accept that. I think you don’t understand who you are if you’re not clinging to all that darkness, because it keeps you safe.”
“No. Because I grabbed onto the light before. I loved her. It didn’t change me.”
“Well, were you sitting on your ass waiting for it to change you? Did you sit there after you joined the bull riding club in high school and wait for a bull to anoint you and transform you into a champion? Or did you work at it? Things don’t just change you, you have to change yourself for them.”
He flinches when I say those words, but he’s being stupid, honestly. And maybe he can’t see it, but I can, and I’m going to call him out.
“You’re so brash. So brave in every part of your life but this one. It’s one thing for me to acknowledge her. That you might not be able to love again because of her, but if you’re going to try to tell me that it’s because you can’t do the work? Fuck you. I’m worth that. You’re worth it. Why are you so much happier being unhappy?”
I see the anger in him boil over then. I tapped into something personal. Something deep. Good. I want him to be angry. I don’t want him to be comfortable. I want this to suck. I want it to bebrutal. Because if he’s going to flay me alive like this, then he had better get wounded right along with me.
“That’s what everyone seems to think about me. But I just love to be miserable.”
“It seems like it. And I don’t know about you, but if I were to really think about why, I’d be tempted to believe it’s because you’re afraid. And I don’t blame you for that. I don’t think life has been kind to you. And the one time you got something that made you happy, you lost it. Maybe somewhere along the line, you would’ve figured yourself out. I think you would have. I think you would’ve done what you needed to do to keep your marriage together, but you’re so much more comfortable with the narrative that you wouldn’t have, aren’t you? But you can’t. Because it keeps you safe now. Because you took a step outside of yourself once, and life brutally punished you for it. I’m not saying that’s easy. And I’m not even saying that I know what I would do in that situation, Maverick, because I don’t. I’ve never been in love before you.” My voice breaks. “I’m so painfully aware of it. That there is so much life that you’ve lived that I haven’t. We do have things in common. Little glimmers and bits and pieces that are like fractured mirror images of each other, but the bottom line is, I always had food, shelter, safety. You rarely had those things. And then you had a whole marriage. You had to grieve somebody that you loved, and I would never, ever say that I know what it might cost you to hope again, but a championship isn’t going to fix you. Nothing is going to fix you. Nothing except for you.”
I don’t know what I expected him to do. Explode maybe. Yell and scream and get angry. He doesn’t. He takes a step toward me, his eyes reflecting an eerie calm that I frankly find more disturbing than screaming.
“You’re a child to me, Stella. I knew I should never have touched you for this reason. But I did it anyway. Stop trying tomake me a hero. I’m the bad guy. I wanted to fuck you, and I did. It’s all I want from you. It’s all I ever wanted from you. You turned it into something more in your head, and now you think you made me happy, when all you did was make me satisfied. It wasn’t my goal to hurt you, but if you’re going to act like a naïve virgin, then that’s what you’re going to get. Hurt.”
I’m actually so aware in the moment that what he is doing is protecting himself, but it doesn’t do anything to mitigate the pain that I feel when he says that to me.
“You were just a quick fuck to me, do you understand that?”
His words hurt, and they are designed to. Because I’m not, and I know it. But he’s going to keep doing that to push me away. Because, for whatever reason, this is what makes him feel safe. And it makes me feel like I’ve been skinned alive. I hate him right now. As much as I love him. And I wish that hate could push the love out of my system, but unfortunately, it’s just sitting right there next to it. So uncomfortable. So… Awful.
“You’re going to have to find somebody else to ride Frank,” I say, those words tearing me up. Because leaving Frank is going to hurt almost as bad as it hurts to leave him.
“You can have him,” Maverick says.
“What the fuck?”
“I don’t need the reminders. And actually, thank you. Thank you so much for reminding me of exactly who I am. What I am. I’m better off by myself. I’m going to go and win this fucking championship, and that’s all that matters. It’s all that’s ever mattered to me, everything else was just a side quest.”
“And what happens after?”
That’s what I see fear flare in his eyes. I know this scares him. I know he doesn’t want to think about it. That’s why I asked.
“None of your concern.”
I can’t reconcile this. This man is not the same man that I’ve been sleeping with for the past two months, except it is. This isthat feral, wounded part of him that he hasn’t figured out what to do with. That he can’t figure out how to heal. And maybe he doesn’t want to. Maybe he doesn’t want to because healing is work. Because healing means you might get hurt all over again.
“I can fit two horses in my trailer,” I say. “I’m going to load up right now.”
I’m driving back to Sonoma. I am getting the hell out of here. Because why should I fix this man? I love him. But I need him to do some of the work. Because I’ve spent the last couple of months figuring myself out. I can’t do it all for him.
