Page 64 of Just Friends
Yet ever since the mistake with Jax, I’ve started to have second thoughts about the pact we made.
No, I don’t love Nate. No, I can’t even say I’m excited or intrigued by the thought of him. I truly mean it when I say he shattered my heart when he left me to chase other women.
But the realization I’m having now is, maybe I don’thaveto be in love with him. Because what good was love, anyway? ‘Love’ always led to me pining after guys that didn’t want me; guys who would rather chase other girls.
All love ever got me was feeling like I wasn’t good enough.
I hate to say it, but technically, Nate was the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. I would’vethoughtI’d have had fallen in and out of love with some other guys by now … but things just haven’t turned out that way. Maybe what I had with Nate is a lot less common than I thought. Maybe that old adage—if you love something, let it go; if it comes back, it’s yours forever—was true?
And just to set the record straight, he’snota bad guy. Yes, he broke my heart, but it’s not like he did it out of malice. He actually criedwhen he broke up with me, for heaven’s sake. We were young when we started dating; both virgins, too. Maybe our tragic misfortune was that we’d found each other too early, too easily? We didn’thaveto go through that painful, heart-rending search for love. We’d literally found it next door. We found each other before we knew how rare it was, how we should cherish it instead of assuming there was plenty more of it out in the world.
Look, I’m not saying I’m going to go running back into Nate’s arms, okay. Even I hate talking about him like theremightbe some magic still between us. So don’t think I’m some wishy-washy, weak-willed pushover. I’m not. I’m just being realistic when I say Nate’s not a bad guy, and there arereasons to, at the very least,considergiving him a second shot.
For example, it’d probably be easier to convince his family to hire a different spraying company, one thatwouldn’tspray herbicide all over my parents’ crops. He’d want to stay in my good graces, wouldn’t he? He knows how much I care about my parents. And with his family’s wealth, I wouldn’t have to worry about money anymore.
And really, sowhatif Nate wanted to sleep with other people back when we were young? Could I even blame him, considering we were both surrounded by that kind of thing on the commune? Heck, my parents slept with other people all the time when they were young, and they’re still doing just fine.
But that’s not what I want,my heart said, sinking in my chest.
Well, that’s just too bad,my head fired back.Because you don’t always get what you want.
Just then, my hackles raised when someone tried the door knob. It was locked. I looked up, eyebrow arching. Itcouldn’tbe Jax—he still had a few more hours at training camp, at least.
But when I heard the key sliding into the lock, I knew it was Jax after all.
Frick!I scooped up my laptop and tried to hurry to my bedroom before he made it in. Alas, I didn’t come close to escaping in time. The door swung open and Jax caught me mid-stride as I rushed off the couch and stumbled over the coffee table with my laptop held against my chest.
I stopped in my tracks and tried to play it cool. “Oh, hey, Jax. You’re, um, home early.”
“Yeah. I took off earlier than normal.” Jax lowered his head shamefully. “Listen, you don’t have to run out of here. You can keep hanging out in the living room. I’ll stay in my bedroom.”
I feigned ignorance. “Huh? What’re you talking about?”
“Well, it looked like you were sprinting to your bedroom so you wouldn’t have to see me.”
I laughed it off. “Oh, no. I forgot, um, something in my bedroom, that’s all.” The absurdity of what I was saying struck me. “God, Paulina’s right. I’m a terrible liar,” I said with a guilty sigh. “I’m sorry, Jax. It’s nothing personal. I just don’t even know what tosayanymore!”
“Me neither,” he said. “Listen, Pipes. If you’re worried I’m going to make a pass at you or something again, don’t worry. I won’t. I know I fucked up—I won’t do it again.”
I kinda wish you would,my heart thought, even though my head knew that wasn’t what Ireallywanted.
“I’m not worried about that,” I said in a low voice. “I know you won’t make another pass at me.”
“Okay. Good.” He smiled, though technically speaking it was in the shape of a frown. “I just wish things could be normal between us again, Pipes.”
Yeah, well, they won’t be,I thought.
I stood and stared. What could I even say?
“Well …” Jax muttered in defeat. “Anyway. I guess I’ll leave you be.”
My head rolled on my shoulders as he walked to his bedroom. It wasn’t fair to punish him like this.
“Jax … wait.”
He stopped. “Hm?”
“You don’t have to go,” I said with a sigh. “This is stupid. We shouldn’t have to hide from each other. I want things to be normal again, too.”
