Page 6 of Forbidden Puck
Lance knew he had the attention of everyone on the plane. He spoke loudly, addressing the team.
“So, it was the night before we left Boston for this road trip. At three in the morning, I wake up to this guys' headboard crashing against the wall,bang bang bang! And a girl starts screaming, 'No! No … don't … no—nooo! Ohhh, yesssss!' I swear, it went on for hours! So if you're wondering why I played like shit that first game, now you know why.”
More hysterical laughter over Lance's orgasmic dramatization.
I gave Lance a shove. “At least I'm getting laid. When are you gonna figure out that your lovely Instagram butt model just wants to see how severe a case of blue-balls she can give a pro athlete?”
Lance smirked. “Thanks, but I'll pass on the dating advice from the guy with the panty collection.”
Josh Stone, a rookie sitting across the aisle, leaned over. “Wait, I'm confused. You said Radar's girl was screamingno?”
“I don't get it either,” Lance said. “In Radar's defense, she sounded like she was having a good time. She came alotmore than once. Trust me. It was super hot.”
Ilya's body shook with a silent laugh. “Sounds like you enjoyed listening.”
“Honestly? Yeah, I got hard.” Lance gave a shrug. “Hey, why's everyone laughing? At least I'm man enough to admit it. And yeah, I'll admit it, I rubbed out a quick one, too.”
“Ugh,” everyone groaned. Lance had taken it too far, as he always does, and now all the heads disappeared from the aisle, ear-buds were stuffed back into ear canals, and everyone went back to minding their own business.
The look of amused horror on Ilya's face said it all. “And only a minute ago, you saidIhad weirdwank fantasies.”
I threw down a chip. “That really is fuckin' sick, Lance. I never want to think of you, one door down the hall, jerking it to the soundtrack of my sex life.”
“Then next time you're nailing some dumb broad, keep it down! And I won't have to!”
“Fine.”
Long-in-the-tooth Shea wore a rare and wily smile. The old man was loving this whole exchange. “So what were her panties like, Radar?”
You know the roast is bad when Shea wants to get in on the action.
“Black. Thong. Pretty standard,” I said, resigned.
“Oh, so a black thong is the standard, is it? Not a unique collector's item then?” Shea replied.
“Guess not.”
“And how the hell do you evengettheir panties in the first place? Do you steal them when they go to the bathroom or what? Don't they notice they aren't wearing any panties when they get dressed?”
“Jesus, Shea. I'm not some creeper rifling through a girl's shit and stealing her panties. I don't even have to ask. They know to give them to me.”
“Theyknowto give them to you,” Shea repeated, and then hereallylooked mind-blown. “How the hell does that work? How do they know you want 'em in the first place?”
I sighed. “Can someone else explain to Father Time how dating works in the modern era?”
Shea shook his head. “No, no no no. That's not dating. I don't know what it is you kids do today, but it isnotdating, lemme tell ya.”
Groans arose all around us. The team feared a history lesson on what dating was like back in Shea's day.
Someone shouted, “Thanks Grandpa, but it's time for a nap!”
Shea ignored the comment and pressed further. “So what're you going to do when you fill that panty box up, Radar? Is that when you'll know it's time to settle down and get married or something?”
“Get a bigger box, obviously.” I slammed a chip down on the table. “Are we going to play this hand or what?”
“Uh oh, I think we made him mad.” Lance put his arm around my shoulder and gave me a squeeze. “Don't get all unhinged-psycho on us now. We're just fucking with you, big guy.”
Shea and Ilya both threw in their bets.
