Page 88 of Living for Truth
Two girls.
Two.
Girls.
I’m going to be a mom.
When we get to the car, the dam breaks, and I start sobbing. Morgan holds my hand and lets me sob until I’m ready to talk, and once I’ve calmed down enough, I rant.
“The entire time, Liam blamedmefor losing our babies. He made me feel worthless and useless and like I was broken, when the wholefuckingtime it was most likelyhim?!I wanted to go get tested. I wanted him to get tested, too, so we could cover our bases, but he ignored the request because he refused to think he could ever be a problem.
“My mom, his mom, and other people at church heavily implied I wasn’t worthy enough to have a baby and made my miscarriages out to be a ‘lesson from God.’ I was suffering so badly, and no one ever checked on me to make sure I was okay. Everyone just expected me to grin and bear it and move on like I didn't lose a part of myself with each baby. It’s notfairI was ignored and blamed for something that could have been easily diagnosed. And now, I’m going to be anxious for the restof this pregnancy—however long it lasts—because I’m so fucking traumatized! It’s not fair!” My voice breaks on a sob, and I take a calming breath before I continue.
“I never knew the sex of the babies before. I never wanted to know. But now I know I have two little girls growing inside me, and there’s still a chance I could lose them. Knowing will make it so much harder. I want to be positive and hopeful, but it’s so hard to do that right now.”
It feels good to get that off my chest. It feels good to be able to confide in Morgan and not worry he’s going to call me overly dramatic and chastise me for being negative.
“It’s not fair you went through that and went through it pretty much alone. You didn’t deserve any of what happened to you. But you won’t be alone if it happens again. We will get through this together, and I’ll follow your lead with everything. If I need to call Dr. Badar and tell her we’re coming in every day to check the heartbeats, I will.We are a team,” Morgan vows, and I love him all the more for it.
“I want to tell Aly as soon as you’re ready to. I want her to know in case something happens, so she doesn’t feel like we kept a secret from her. Then, I would like to tell your family if that’s okay? I think that having their support would be helpful.”
“Anything, Butterfly. Anything for you. Anything for Aly. Anything for our girls. I just have one thing I want from you.”
“What?”
“Marry me.”
“Wh-what?”Surely, Iheard him wrong.
“Marry me. Tomorrow, in a week, in a month, in three years, I don’t care, but I want you to be my wife, my true partner. Aly already told me I should have proposed by now, but I don’t have a ring—”
“Yes,” I interrupt. “I don’t care about a ring. I want to be your wife.”
Morgan kisses me, and it’s a little awkward over the console in the car.
When I pictured him proposing—and I have—I didn’t picture it in the parking lot of an OBGYN office, but I don’t care. I don’t need a big proposal from him, knowing he wants to be with me forever is enough.
“I love you so much, Hannah. Whatever we go through, we’ll go through it together.”
“I love you, too. I’m glad you’re the one I'm on this journey with.”
Chapter 41
Morgan
Hannah is officially fourteen weeks, and the time has flown by this last month. We’ve had two more appointments to see the twins, and they’re growing beautifully, the doctor has no concerns thus far.
It’s become a standard routine for me to lay on Hannah’s belly and talk to our girls every night, and now that Aly knows, sometimes she tries to talk to them, too.
We told Aly the day after we got the blood results. We took her out to her favorite bakery for breakfast, and while we were sitting outside basking in the mild summer morning sunshine, we told her she’s going to be a big sister in February to not just one baby, but two.
She was more excited than I thought she’d be, but a big part of me still worries she’ll feel like we’re trying to replace her. Hannah and I both assured her we would never do that, and she is still our top priority, but the babies will become a top priority as well.
Hannah gently explained she’s been pregnant before, but the babies didn’t make it to the end, and it’s apossibility something could happen to the twins, but we wanted to celebrate them as long as we could.
Aly had a lot of questions about miscarriage, and Hannah answered them as best she could while still keeping it light. She didn’t treat Aly like a dumb kid, which I appreciated. Hannah talks to Aly like a little adult, and I am awe-struck at her ability to speak so eloquently about something that was so traumatic for her.
Aly’s been brainstorming names and helping us pick out colors for the nursery. She asks Hannah every day if she’s feeling okay and if she can help with anything, and when she goes to the library with Hannah, she makes sure Hannah is eating small snacks frequently.
