Page 43 of Highlander Redeemed
“I would never lie to you. I am not here to stop you, only to explain why I did not ... do not believe you are ready to go into battle with the warriors.”
“I need no explanation for betrayal. It does not matter why you betrayed my trust, only that you did.”
“It matters greatly if you will but listen—”
“If you are not here to stop me from leaving, then turn around and go back to the caves.”
“I cannot. If you leave, I will go with you, though you ken as well as I that this is not the way to get what you want.”
“You are wrong. This is the only way to get what I want. It is not battle that I thirst for, Duncan. Surely you ken that.”
“Vengeance. You want vengeance above everything else.”
“Aye.” With that made clear she sheathed her sword and spun away from him. “Go back, Duncan. You have no taste for vengeance.”
She had not taken two steps when she was grabbed at the shoulder and found herself facing an angry Duncan, who gripped her hard by both shoulders.
“No one should have a taste for vengeance, Scotia.” He shook her hard, accentuating his words, as if the shaking would rattle the vengeance out of her head. She wrenched herself free of his grip and stepped back.
“Have you learned nothing from me this last fortnight?” he continued, matching her glare with his own. “Vengeance is all about emotions running amok, and that is not the right mind to face battle. A mind fixed on vengeance is not capable of thinking through the ramifications of rash action. A mind fixed on vengeance is not capable of any soft feelings. Do you not have a single soft feeling within you, Scotia? Do you not have the ability to see how this choice you are making will cause trouble for all you claim to love?”
“Then it should cause no trouble for you, Duncan of Dunlairig.” She notched her chin up and cut him in the only way she knew would truly hurt him. “I have no love for you.” He winced,as if she’d slapped him hard across the face, and she knew the lie in her words, for her heart twisted at his pain.
“’Tis unfortunate,” he said, his voice low and thick with an emotion she did not want to think about. “For though it shames me to admit it, I have loved you for a long time.”
Shock took her breath. Loved her? He could not. He was Duncan ... he had kissed her, touched her, but both had been in the heat of the moment. And yet, if she thought about the time they had spent together, his patience, his rare smiles and the compliments he had paid her skills even as he betrayed her. And her gift, at least until today when she was so angry she could not think straight, it had let her find him, always.
He drummed his fingers on his thighs, then shoved his hair out of his face. He paced back and forth along the path, then stopped in front of her, close enough that she could feel his breath upon her face, but he did not touch her.
“How I could ever love anyone so childish, so self-centered is beyond me. How could I ever have believed that you would grow out of your spoiled behavior? And now,” he scoffed, “now your need for personal vengeance even at the risk of your entire clan ... I must be daft. Or stupid.
“I thought you were changing, that you were embracing the things I was teaching you. I thought you would be able to take those lessons and use them in service to your clan, but you still fixate on vengeance. Vengeance is not worthy. Vengeance is born of hatred, and as long as hatred is your motivation, rather than the well being and prosperity of those you claim to love, your need for vengeance will only continue hurting everyone around you.”
She stood there, desperately denying everything he said, though doubt hovered over her like the rain clouds overhead. And yet, she could find no words to defend herself.
“The thing is, Scotia, I think the one you hate is not the English. You blame them, but the one you really hate? That is yourself. I do not understand it, but it is the only thing that makes sense to me.”
Silence stretched between them.
“Will you stop me?” she asked.
“Have I ever successfully stopped you from doing anything you really wanted to do?”
She thought of all the times he had come to her defense, even as he’d berated her for whatever folly she had fallen into at that moment. She thought of the times she had disappeared into the wood after a row with her sister, or a reprimand from her father, and how Duncan had followed her, watching over her, but never forcing her to return to the castle until she was ready. She remembered how he had stood ready to do whatever she needed in the days after her mother had been killed. And she thought of how he had helped her learn the skills needed if she ever went into battle.
“Nay, you have always looked out for me, even when I did not see it. Even when I did not want it.” She looked away from him, as she struggled with what she wanted, and what he expected of her. “If I go, will you look out for me now?”
“Still you do not see that you cannot go into battle. Not now. Not this way. No warrior will trust you if you go against the wishes of your chief. No warrior will stand beside you in a fight when he cannot know if you will risk your own life for his.”
“Not even you?” She saw a chasm opening up between her and Duncan, and was surprised at how lost she felt, knowing he stood on the far side. “You said you loved me. Would you not go into battle with me?”
He shook his head and stepped away. “I wash my hands of you, Scotia, as the rest of the clan was smart enough to do after Myles’s death.” He put more distance between them. “I have been blinded by my feelings for you.” He took a long breath. “If you do this, no one will ever trust you again. If you do this, you will be beyond redemption.”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
SCOTIA STOOD WHEREDuncan had left her for a long time, her mind both full and blank, unable to form a coherent thought. She stood there long enough that the sun broke over the ben, burning away the clouds and casting warmth upon her back as if beckoning her to turn and walk into the sunshine, and out of the Glen of Caves. She stood there waiting for Duncan to come back to her.
Duncan always came back.
