Page 47 of Depraved Lust
Mom. I thought she loved me too.
When Dad killed her in front of me to get rid of the fear and the nightmares, she cried out how much she loved me. I thought that was love, too.
Maybe I’m wrong and I just don’t know what love is.
If love is what’s causing this pain, I don’t want it. But I still want her. Fuck me, I do. I want to lie to myself and think that we can be together in this fucked up way and that the world will leave us alone. But I can’t put her in danger. I’ve been selfish and stupid, and I fucking hate that I ever took her the way I did. At the same time, she’s all I want. If I could go back upstairs and keep her lying in bed with me, I would. If I had to lock her up and never let her out again, I would. That’s only more reason that I need to stay here and let her go. She deserves so much more than a man like me.
I sit outside in the rain, letting it soak through my clothes, just thinking about how I should have let her go right from the start. I should have let her go free. I thought I made her happy though. I thought she wanted the same things I wanted. But I was wrong.
I hear a car swerve in the distance and my heart starts pounding in my chest. I run inside for the keys to my pickup truck and haul ass as fast as I can. It can’t be her. I pray she’s okay. It takes too fucking long to get there. I’ll save her. She needs me. I’ll protect her. I slow the car as I see skid marks, but there’s nothing there. It looks like a car crashed but then drove off.
I stay at the scene for a long time, thinking it wasn’t her. It wasn’t my kitten.
She’s left me and now she’s safe. She’s better off without me. I wish I had a way to track her to know for sure. Again, another reason she needs to run from me.
The pain won’t go away.
I can’t get rid of this hurt in my chest. I just know something’s wrong.
I close my eyes and shake my head. It’s all in my head. I’m only hurting because she left me. I’m looking for reasons to search her out. It’s my own sickness.
I need to let her go. I settle on that truth as I drive back home. But I can’t sleep. When the sun filters through the curtains and my phone pings a few hours later, I reach for it like it was meant to go off.
I expect it to be my kitten. I don’t know how, but I do. All night I’ve waited up, hoping she’d come back to me.
I stare at the phone and I fucking hate myself. I click it off and move as quick as I can.
Cassys want a meet.
I know why. And I’m ready to end this. They’re all fucking dead.
30
Anthony
I can’t stop pacing. It’s not a fucking coincidence that the night she left we got a call for this meetup. We’re supposed to meet at the garage in an hour. It’s not right. Something’s horribly wrong. She’s not okay. I can feel it. My girl’s not okay.
“Vince, it can’t just be us two,” I say. I know this is a setup. It’s not just going to be Marcus there wanting to clarify the situation. There’s more to this, and I know it deep down in my gut. He texted Vince to come meet with him and later asked to bring me along. But I know this is a trap. I fucking know it.
“We can’t trust them,” I tell him again.
“What the fuck, Anthony?” Tommy asks me for the fourth fucking time.
I just shake my head. “It’s not good. It’s not going to be good.”
Vince has been watching me like a fucking hawk. I haven’t told him yet.
We’re all here and I haven’t said shit, but I can’t shake this feeling. I need to tell them.
“Let me go in first,” I finally speak up and look back at Vince.
He doesn’t answer.
“You’re freaking me out, Anthony,” Tommy says, grabbing my arm.
“You couldn’t fucking listen!” Vince yells out, and it gets the attention of everyone. The air is thick with tension.
“You know I wasn’t going to.” I can’t reach his eyes. I know I fucked up, but I need him right now. I can’t let them hurt her. Not her. She didn’t do anything wrong. She can’t pay for my sins.
