Page 114 of October
I looked at her, and something about the way she asked made me feel like this wasn't just pillow talk. It was something deeper. I nodded, not trusting my voice.
"I used to be scared to say what I wanted," she said. "Even in bed. Especially in bed."
I didn't say anything. Just watched her, waited.
"I have these fantasies," she went on. "Things I never told anyone. I didn't think I was allowed to want more than tenderness. To want to take the lead. To be bold. To tell you exactly how to touch me, or what to say."
I felt my heart slow into a different rhythm, but I didn't speak because this wasn't about me. This was about her opening a door she'd kept shut for years.
She laughed, but it was shaky. "I sound ridiculous."
"You sound brave," I said.
Her eyes flicked up to meet mine, and in that instant, I saw her.Reallysaw her. The woman she'd always been, under the layers of shame and silence and self-protection. Fierce. Desiring. Soft and powerful at once.
"I didn't think you'd want that version of me," she whispered.
"I wantallof you," I said. "Especially the parts you've hidden."
She kissed me again then, different this time. Slower, but with intention. Her hands moved with certainty, and when she rolled on top of me, her eyes never left mine.
"I want to try," she said. "To show you who I've always been... when I'm not scared."
In that moment, I would've handed her anything. The moon. My soul. Every inch of my body, just to prove she was safe now. Loved. Wanted. When we made love again, it was different. She told me what she liked. Took her time.Took me.and I followed gladly, gratefully, like she was both compass and destination.
Her voice didn't tremble as much this time. Her eyes stayed open and fixed on mine with a kind of quiet intensity that left no room for doubt. She moved with certainty, as if she was finally stepping into a space that had always belonged to her.
There were still quiet moments, her hand cupping my jaw, my fingers tracing her spine, her lips finding mine again and again between whispers. It lit something up in me I hadn't felt in years.Not just the pleasure of skin or climax, but the deeper joy of seeing her come alive again in my arms. Of watching her reclaim this part of herself with no shame and no fear.
She kissed me harder then more demanding, more sure and I let her take me wherever she wanted to go. Her hips guiding the rhythm. Her hands on my chest. Her voice telling me what felt good, what she needed, what to keep doing. It wasn't a performance. It wasn't about being good. It was about being real.
After, we didn't rush to pull away. She stayed curled against me, her leg draped over mine, her cheek resting on my shoulder.
"I didn't know it could be like that," she murmured. "Not just soft or sweet, but... free.Fun."
I kissed her forehead. "You can have it any way you want. Every version of you is welcome here."
She looked up at me, eyes still bright, still open. "Even the version who might want to pin you down next time?"
I grinned. "Especially her."
For the first time in a long time, I saw it, the mix of mischief and trust in her smile. Not the mask she used to wear to seem okay, but something genuine. Something healed. She held onto me like she was drowning and being saved all at once. And when it was over, she buried her face in my chest and laughed through tears.
"I missed you," she said.
"I am here love," I whispered.
We didn't speak much after that. We didn't need to. She fell asleep with her fingers still laced through mine, and I lay there, holding her, breathing in the quiet miracle of being chosen again—fully, bravely, without conditions.
In the dark, after she fell asleep, I made a quiet promise: I would never let her forget this feeling. The safety. The joy. The power of it all. After a while, I slipped out of bed, careful not to wake her. I went to the study, sat down in the low lamplight, and opened the worn leather notebook that held the collection of letters I'd been writing her,
Dear October,
Tonight, after you fell asleep with your fingers still tangled in mine, I lay there in the dark for a long time. I didn't want tomove. I didn't want to break whatever spell the universe had placed around us. I just held you and listened to your breath, like a prayer answered in real time.
Eventually, I got up because something inside me needed to be written down. Maybe so I could remember this night for the rest of my life. Maybe so I could prove to myself that it happened. That you let me back in.
October... making love to you again; it wasn't just closeness, or relief, or desire finally given space to breathe. It waseverything. It felt like stepping back into a home I thought I'd lost forever. Like wandering through a storm, half-alive, and finding my way by the memory of your skin, your voice, the way your eyes stay open now when we touch.
