Page 10 of Actions and Reactions
His lips tilt to the right in a sharp smirk when he turns to take the bottle back.
“Really?” he says, clearly incredulous. “You’re the one who went to college. You didn’t get the full experience there?”
A big part of me wants to shut down that topic,hard, but I know that if I want to get any semblance of our friendship back—andI do—then I need to tell him. He’s probably the only one who’d understand.
“Nope.” I have to take a big breath before I can continue. “When I made the choice to pursue a career in PR, I decided I was going to be the best.” I swear I try to make the words come out happy and nonchalant... confident. But I’m pretty sure I come up way short. “So when I got to college I didn’t want to get distracted by anything. All myfocus was on classes and getting the best grades I possibly could.”
“And you graduated with a 4.0 GPA,” he says. I can hear as well as see the smile on his face. We’re finally at the neighbor’s dock so we walk to the end of it and sit in silence. I see he put the cap back on the bottle, and he sets it aside to lean back on his palms.
“I did,” I tell him finally.
“Was it worth it?” he asks almost in a whisper.
“College?” I ask, to clarify.
“Yes. Was putting all your focus on it worth it?”
I want to throw the question right back at him, but...
“It was.” A rueful chuckle escapes me and his green eyes widen with surprise. I try to soldier on even though the sun makes his hair look soft and inviting... I want to run my hand through those dark blond strands so badly. “I got respect for my work and the most prestigious internship in LA, which then helped me meet and impress Tristan, which led to him recommending me to Gab.”
“So it all turned out well,” he concludes and looks down. The words are supposed to be positive, but they definitely don’t sound that way.
“I’d say it did,” I tell him, trying to sound cheerful again.
“You always wanted to be the best,” he murmurs. “And now I think you are one of the best for sure. The way you handled everything with Santa and Charlie was impressive, and compared to the shitshow it was before you arrived, the PR of the team really is doing a lot better.”
I appreciate him saying so, more than I think is warranted, but I can’t get the words out.
We’ve both apologized, we’re... catching up, I guess, but we’re not back to normal.
How will we ever get back to normal when ...
“I wish I could change everything,” I admit in a whisper.
It’s the most truthful thing I think I’ve said in years.
“Really?” he asks, his voice shaking. “Everything?” He turns to me again, even brings his left leg up to the dock so he’s fully facing me, but I just stare at the deep blue water. There’s no way I can face him now, talking about this.
“Yes.” The knot in my throat barely lets me speak. “Especially that night, but also every single one of the days after.” It feels like a dam breaking and I can finally put some of my feelings into words after years of failing. “I wish I could change what happened in the hospital if nothing else, Vinny,” I say, and the old nickname comes out so suddenly, so naturally, that I twitch restlessly and place my hands on my thighs to keep them from... doing anything.
It’s the first time I’ve said that word inso long, and it feels like coming home.
But only to me apparently.
“Don’t,” he whispers harshly, but I can’t stop.
“I really am sorry, Vinny.” I turn in the hopes that he’ll meet my eyes and see the truth in them. “I’ve regretted what I said every day?—”
He stops me with a kiss.
3
Ivan
I wantedhim to shut up.
His words hurt—actively, acutely, like a needle going into my skin without any warning or anesthesia.
