Page 85 of Actions and Reactions
“You were the reflection of everything I wanted to be, Vinny, and I couldn’t let you give up our dream. I’m so glad you didn’t. I swear I am. I think it’s obvious I haven’t gotten rid of that anger and resentment, but I’m working on it. Not only because it feels like shit, or because it’s useless, but because you don’t deserve it.
“I want us to move on from what happened that day, Vinny. I want you to never think about it ever again. I wantto forgive myself for suggesting we build the stupid ramp on the roof and every decision after that one. I want to be happy with the life I have because it is pretty badass, and I want to only feel pride when I see you on the ice.
“I’m doing everything I can to get there, Vinny, I promise, and I’m going to prove it to you with my actions when I get back. But I wanted to tell you all of this now, because I don’t want you to keep believing you’re not the one thing I love most in the world. I don’t want you to think I’d be happy living without you if I had hockey. I love you, Eagle. See you soon.” I come back to the present and look at Milkman. “And then he signed it Bullseye, which is the nickname I gave him when we were kids.”
“Man.” He pulls away and brings one leg up between us so he can face me. “That must’ve set off the waterworks, huh?” He claps a hand on my shoulder when I nod. I’m grateful I could keep it together this time, even if I did get choked up a couple of times. “But this is good, right?” he asks after thinking about it for a moment. “He loves you and he’s getting better, and you’ve always been the reason why hockey was important to him. Dude, he’s always loved you, and he wanted you to know that so you’re not moping around for months while he’s away.”
“I know,” I whisper, then look away to shake my head. “I still can’t wrap my head around it, but what he said about making his parents proud, that made so much sense to me. He’s always idolized them.”
“And being the son of Paul Wayne would put pressure on anyone,” he points out.
“You have no idea.” I breathe in deeply. “I know it’s different for me, my Dad isn’t?—”
“Only minimally different, man,” Milkman interrupts me. “Your Dad’s also a legend, and every hockey fan out there knows your name because of it and expects greatness from you from the get-go. That’s still tough.”
“It’s not that bad anymore, not since Gab traded for me.”
“I’m glad she brought us together, bro.” He opens his arms and I don’t hesitate. I go right in for that hug.
“Me too.”
“So what now?” he asks when we pull back.
“Now...” I pause to sigh “I focus on hockey again. I trust Silas and what he said in this.” I hold up my phone. “And I keep going on because I can’t really do shit until he gets back.”
“I think that’s a pretty good way of looking at things, and I think you two will make it work when he’s back.”
That does make me feel better. “Thanks.”
“You’re paying for the end-of-season party, by the way,” he says casually.
“What the fuck? Why?” I demand. Those parties are insane.
“Because you missed the team dinner.” There’s no humor in his eyes, so I know he’s not lying.
“Man,” I whine. “I’m going to be a cheap ass and order takeout.”
“If you do then we’re gonna make you throw it every year,” he warns, pointing a finger at my face. That finallycracks me up. And when I smile it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Now it feels like I might actually get to fight for the life I’ve always dreamed of with Si.
The last weekof October starts with a frantic phone call from Hawk, and it’s as bad as I feared when I picked up—Wolf is back in rehab. He relapsed.
I don’t have any details, I have no clue what happened, and Hawk is falling apart. I can’t blame him, but I also know he can’t do anything for Wolf except support him. He can’t save his big brother and no one should have to.
The fact that he’s going right back to rehab is a good sign, in my opinion, though that’s based on the little I know about addiction and the twelve-step program.
I spend the day on the phone with everyonebutWolf, and that honestly makes me feel like shit.
I thought last month that I should talk to him, let him know I’ve always got his back, but I didn’t. I let everything with Si distract me from that, and all I can do now is send him a text that I have no clue if he’ll see or not.
November
Only a week later, we’re back in Vegas and playing against Chicago. I don’t tell anyone, but I sneak into our practice rink when they’re supposed to be there for practice and walk around looking for Lottie.
It takes me an hour to accept that she has to be on the ice, so I face the music and go to the bench.
“Lottie,” I whisper-shout. She spins around, clearly alarmed, and a smile overtakes her face when she sees me, but it turns into a frown pretty quickly.
I look at the Deep’s head coach and wince.
