Page 59 of Actions and Reactions
I risk a glance at Bear’s expression, and since it’s murderous I rush to keep talking.
“He also didn’t leave me in the lurch.”Not exactlyanyway.“But I am going through some stuff, and I apologize for not being able to give you guys my best this past week.”
“That’s also why your Mom’s here, right?” Benny asks, and I nod in answer.
“I wish I could have my Mom around,” Twocox says thoughtfully, and when I turn I see him looking at his skates with a sad pout.
“Preach,” Bates says and shakes his head. “But you’ve not given us less than the best you can, Eagle. As far as I’m concerned you have nothing to apologize for.”
There’s a chorus of agreements around the locker room, and it feels like the boulder that was sitting on my chest eases off just a little.
“Thanks, guys.” I get sympathetic smiles at the croak in my voice, and then Benny’s jumping up and shouting.
“I have an idea!”
He spins around and then buries his face in his phone, not bothering to tell us what the fucking idea is.
A moment later, though, the new speakers Silas had installed in the locker room blare with the sharp notes of a guitar.
I sputter out a watery laugh, since it’s easily one of the most recognizable songs in the world. “Wake Me up When September Ends” by Green Day.
Benny starts singing loudly—and badly—and soon enough everyone is singing, including me. Maybe not with as much gusto as Benny, but I’m singing and I’m smiling, and when the blare of the guitar comes I don’t resist theurge to jump around and bang my head with my teammates.
When the song comes to an end I have to choke back tears, because my gratitude for all these men is overwhelming. Even the rookies take time to come over and give me a quick hug, but Jules comes last and Ireallycan’t meet his gaze. He squeezes my shoulder then pulls me in for a longer hug.
“You saw what I was like before Gab bought the Pirates, before you, Milkman, and Twocox came here. All of you helped me climb out of that hole I was digging myself into, and we’re all here for you too, Eagle.” He leans back, and this time he waits until I look into his eyes. “Take it from me, don’t even start digging. Telling us was a great thing, and we all know it wasn’t easy, but you gotta let yourself feel all the feelings, okay kid?”
I can’t hold back a tear then.
“You’re a great fucking captain,” I croak out.
He laughs and pulls me in again, slaps my back twice, then ruffles my hair.
“You’ll be one someday too.” He winks at me, then goes back to his cubby.
I don’t really want to think about a world where Jules isn’t my captain, that seemswrongon so many levels, and even though part of me loves that he sees that potential in me, it’s just another thing I can’t think about right now.
As I get ready for practice I make a bargain with myself—for now, for today, I’ll focus only on hockey. Then once the game against Vancouver is done and we’vegotten our W, I’m finally going to do some real thinking about Silas.
We do win,and I can barely sleep from the adrenaline still coursing through my veins. Laney put the first line in for only five minutes, but I scored in one of those shifts, and that pride reminded me how fucking amazing it is to be a hockey player.
Which just makes me think about Silas again.
I use the sleepless hours to once again go over every word he’s said to me in the past couple of months.
I see the gaps once I’m looking for them.
He didn’t talk about hockey, not unless he was put on the spot, and the heartbreak I’m feeling at not being enough for him has to be what he’s felt all these years, right?
Just constant heartbreak over never being able to get the only thing he ever wanted. Because playing in the NHLwasthe only thing he wanted.
And I got it.
And he’s had to watch me relish it this year, firsthand.
That has to be brutal, it has to burn to his core, and knowing it brings me no joy at all. It actually breaks my heart all over again, because does that mean we can’t be together unless I give up hockey? Will he have to stay away from the sport we love, and by consequence, me?
He would hate me if I gave it up.
