Page 47 of Actions and Reactions
“How are you doing?”
“Like I’ve been telling everyone...” I pause to look pointedly at my parents. “I’m fine, and I’ll get back to work as soon as they let me out of here.”
Dad’s shaking his head before I’m finished, but before he can rant about how I can’t go back to work, Gab shakes her head once.
“If you think I’m going to let you come back to work when I just saw the name of your doctor on this chart, then you really are in no state to work.” She taps the chart hanging from the foot of my bed, and I’m reluctantly impressed. I didn’t even see her look down. My breath stalls in my chest, though, when the first thing she said sinks in.
Is she firing me?
“Things have calmed down a lot since last season, and I don’t expect any scandals soon in any case.” The wave ofher hand calms me down marginally. I doubt she’d be this flippant if she were firing me.
“How do you know Dr. Denise?”
Why is that the first thing I ask? Who the fuck knows, but the look she levels on me makes me regret asking it.
“Get real, Silas. My mother died a month after I was born and my father is famous. Which means I’ve been famous all my life. I know you know what that’s really like. I was a bright kid who had trouble socializing and making friends until I was in college. I’m a single mom of twins, the owner of two sports franchises, and of one of the biggest companies in the world. You really think I haven’t had tough as fuck times when I’ve needed extra help? Please,” she scoffs and rolls her eyes at me. “She’s my doctor, and that should tell you everything you need to know to trust her and follow her advice. You can call me when she clears you for work and not a day before. If I have to put you on administrative leave to keep you from hurting yourself further, then I will.”
Struck, hurt, panicked, I can do nothing but shake my head at her.
“You’re a vital cog in the Pirates machine, Silas.” Her tone is a lot softer, and it does calm me down slightly. “You’ve become an integral part of us and I want you back, but more than that, I want you happy. So find your happy and then get back to work, alright?”
She pats my leg twice and I nod, then Gab nods at Mom and Dad and without another word, she leaves.
It feels like I’m signing my death certificate orsomething, like I’m giving everyone permission to completely change and take over my life.
And boy do my parents take over.
Mom gets me a spot at this place, New Hope, and of course I make a Star Wars joke, but no one laughs. It was probably the timing, but come on, who wouldn’t make that connection?
Mom goes to my place to get my things, and I try to talk to Dad about anything other than what’s happening with me, but he isnotimpressed. He looks less angry than before, now he’s just mostly worried, and honestly that doesn’t make me feel any better.
Thankfully I get to disconnect from my grim reality when Mom comes back and I see she brought my iPad.
Despite their protests, I use it to watch the Pirates’ game against San Francisco, but the thing is... as soon as it starts I notice how angry I get, like I told Dr. Denise this morning, and what am I supposed to do with that?
Instead of figuring it out, I shut it off before the second minute begins, try to get comfortable in bed, and shut my eyes.
I can’t fall asleep, though.
Everything Dr. Denise said about this... delayed PTSD or whatever it’s called keeps running through my mind. I can’t shut it off.
I still think it’s ridiculous that she thinks I have trauma over losing hockey, but everything she said about mysymptoms—and god I hate that word—does check out. And sheobviously knows a lot more about the brain and emotions and shit than I do.
I’m not totally stupid; I can see the logic behind it all.
I understand that people’s different experiences mean we all deal with shit differently. And okay, yeah, hockey was everything to me all my life up until that point where they told me I’d lost it.
It was really the only thing I cared about back then.
It’s hard realizing that what Vinny said is probably true... I’m always going to love it more than anything else.
Do I like that?
Fuck no, I don’t.
Can I change it?
I honestly don’t know.
