Page 82 of Actions and Reactions
“Okay, here it goes,” I whisper, trying to hype myself up. “So, while I’ve been here, at New Hope.” I point to the ground. “Working out all my shit.” I gesture to my chest. “With Dave?—”
“We get it,” Dad interrupts before I can point at Dave.
“All right, all right. So one thing we’ve figured out is that since I was very little, my whole identity’s been tied to hockey. Playing hockey more specifically, and that was because…” I let out a sigh and cover my face. I really don’t like that this is a fact about myself. “I thought the only reason you guys even had a second child was because you wanted me to be a professional hockey player.”
There’s a beat of silence that goes on just long enough that I peek between my fingers.
“You think we wanted a boy who could play in the NHL,” Dad says, and yeah, it sounds very accusatory.
“Silas,” Mom gasps.
“I’m going to address the rest of it later, but this is so unfair to your sister, Silas. She’s the most accomplished hockey player in history!” he shouts. “She did in seven years what I couldn’t do in thirteen.”
There’s that ego, I think to myself, but let it go because he’s not lying. Lottie’s only “peer” when it comes to her accomplishmentsisDad, even though Jules is closing in.Give him one more Stanley Cup and another gold medal at the Olympics and he could tie with Lottie.
“I know,” I mumble. “I think she’s pretty awesome too, and this is mainly why I didn’t want her here for this, because this isn’t really the point I’m trying to make.”
“You think we don’t value her just as much as we value you? Or valued you when you were kids? That we don’t love her as much?” he keeps ranting. “You can be sure that right now, at this moment, I’m prouder of her than I am of you.”
“Paul,” Mom chastizes him, though the tone of Dad’s last words is enough for me to know he doesn’t really mean that.
“What? He’s being an asshole.” Dad turns to Mom, and I get that to them I could seem like an asshole right now, but...
“I don’t mean to be,” I shout now too. “All these thoughts took root in my head when I was just a kid, when I didn’t even know what misogyny was, and the NWHL wasn’t even a thing yet. This isn’t me being misogynistic, no matter how much you think it is. This is me thinking you wanted a mini copy of the great Paul Wayne and that I had to be just that to make you proud and happy and have your love, and worst of all, it was all mostly unconscious!”
Dad seems too stunned to respond to that at first, but then he rubs his face and mutters, “Fuck.”
Yeah, that was my reaction too.
Mom’s sob takes me right out of my head. This really couldn’t have gone any worse.
“Please don’t cry, Mom,” I beg. “I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry. I know you guys love me, I do?—”
“We fucked up so bad, Paul.” The fact that she sounds more angry than sad helps my brain.
“Yeah. We sure did.” Dad keeps rubbing his face for a long moment and I look helplessly at Dave. Why hasn’t he said anything?
He makes a “slow-down” motion with his hands, and that reminds me to breathe.
I have to let them explain what they’re feeling now, and wecanhave a rational conversation about this.
Looking down at her hands, Mom breathes in deeply and begins.“There’s something we never told you two because... well, because frankly it was very painful, and your Dad was always protecting me?—”
“Elle—”
“You were!” Mom snaps at Dad. “And I’m good now, so we should just tell them. We’ll tell Charlotte too, but we’re here now, so...” She pauses for another huge intake of air and then looks me right in the eyes. “I had a really hard time after Lottie was born, like emotionally.” I nod to show her I understand. “Your father and I always wanted a house full of kids.” Her smile is so fucking sad it breaks my heart. “We always talked about it, and I don’t know why it happened, but after your sister was born I wasn’t myself for a long time. Your Dad helped as much as he could, as did your grandma, and I got better, but slowly.”
My mind doesn’t even know where to race to when shepauses again, but I see Dad take her hand and squeeze it tight enough for their knuckles to go white.
“We got pregnant again sooner than we’d planned, and I was as happy as I could possibly be about it, I promise you. But I had a miscarriage. And then six months later another, and then another.”
“God, Mom.” I breathe out the words. That sounds like fucking torture.
“It was brutal,” she confirms and nods sadly. I’ve always known my mother was a badass, but the fact that she keeps looking straight at me reminds me that she’s also fucking strong. “So we stopped trying completely. I thought we were done having kids, and though we had wanted more before, we were both okay with that decision. Then one day I didn’t get my period and we found out I was pregnant again. With you, honey.
“I was soscared.” And I can hear it in her words. “All day, every day until the doctors put you in my arms I was petrified. I barely left the house, and only Lyla knew. We didn’t tell Hulk until I couldn’t possibly hide it anymore. But when they put you in my arms, Si, I knew that I would cherish y-you—” She stops herself when another sob comes out.
Dad wraps his arm around her and brings her into his chest, and he keeps it going.
