Page 79 of Actions and Reactions
“You have an awesome laugh,” I tell her, trying to be encouraging. “It’s contagious.”
And the joy I get from that moment?
I feel that shit to the marrow of my bones.
October
The routine and rhythm of New Hope starts to become not only familiar but comforting. I know what’s going to happen every day, though the actual interactions are unpredictable—especially when Helen “graduates” and leaves—and I know who I’m going to see every day.
I don’t know if Dr. Jody or Dave would’ve agreed, but I didn’t even ask if there was a way I could watch the Pirates’ home game against Anaheim for the season opener, because I don’t want to disturb the peace I’ve been finding. I know I’ll have to eventually, but for the moment I don’t feel strong enough.
What I do feel strong enough for is finding new things I’ve been avoiding, like really talking to my parents about what happened seven years ago, before and after the accident.
I make it a point to talk to Lottie about her job, and to make sure she knows how proud I am of her.
I don’t think I can really get into it with Dad yet, that seems just a bit too painful still, but I know that someday soon I will. I’ll find the courage and the strength to tell him and Mom how important hockey was for me, how they were the ones who always encouraged me the most, and how that’s come back to bite us all in the ass.
One of the best things is that I do get to text Vinny daily, and he always answers. More than anything, it’s the fact that he answers that makes me feel like I didn’t completely fuck us up. It’s not always instant, and not always something important or significant, it can be anything... stupid shit, like...
Miss you.
Feelings suck.
I can’t wait to eat takeout again.
How is Lex doing?
And his answers are just as simple:
I miss you too.
You’ve got this!
How’s the food?
Lex is fine, bullshitting that he’s going to beat all my rookie records.
And he tells me things about the guys on the team and his family. Sure, he doesn’t say one single thing about hockey, just funny things they say or do, but he did tell me about Uncle Hulk dating Alaina Newman and that Aunt Lyla is over the moon.
I manage to get Mom and Dad to stop thinking about me for five seconds the Sunday after that, and they tell me they’ve met her and like her for Hulk, but they don’t spill anything else about them.
The best days are when I turn on my phone and I have a text from him waiting for me. Those spark an idea for me at the end of October.
I’ve been talking more to Dave about my relationship with Vinny now, not only my relationship with hockey, and I have a lot of shit to say to him, real shit we haven’t talked about, so I write him a letter.
A three-page letter that takes me way too long to write, but I think I nail that shit by the end, and when three o’clock comes around, I snap pictures of each page, send them to him, and then I quickly shut my phone off and practically throw it back to nurse Karen—who’s a nice Karen.
A bit cowardly, I know, but it’s the best I can do at the moment, and I try to find a way to be proud of myself for doing even that.
Vinny’s only answer to the letter, though, is that he’dlove for us to talk about it all when I get back and that he loved it. It makes me feel self-conscious about pouring my heart out to him and getting basically nothing back, but I do understand him wanting to talk about it face to face.
At least he didn’t tell me to fuck off, or that he doesn’t love me anymore. Iamplaying catch-up with this whole feelings thing, and I know it must have been tough for him that I didn’t say it back seven years ago, or during the summer when we were together.
So it feels like a good thing, a couple of days later when I’ve gone over it in my head a million times, that he’s still texting me every day.
And he actually starts sending me pics—him on the bus, pictures of takeout he orders, a screenshot of an article about Hulk and Alaina dating. He keeps me in the loop as much as he can, and it feels like he’s making sure I’m still a part of his life.
That more than anything gives me hope.
