Page 95 of Wants and Needs
The only thing I care about now is making sure I enjoy every smile and frown and deep look Liam gifts me. I care about building a life with him, and being next to him when ESoothe becomes a success.
“I want to ask something but I think it will sound mean,” he says suddenly. I finish swallowing my bite and nod for him to go on. “Since your parents passed have you reconsidered your stance on siblings? Do you now wish you had someone to share it all with?”
He wasn’t kidding, that does sound mean, but since I know he doesn’t have a mean bone in his body, my only reaction is a snort.
“No, actually.” I know exactly why that is, and though I know it would be so much easier to not say it, I know Liam won’t judge me for it. I know he might not understand, but he will also never tell anyone the real reason for my prolonged grieving period. “The day before my parents died, I graduated Summa Cum Laude from Cavendish University.”
“That’s a very prestigious university,” he says evenly.
I nod. “It is. They were going to fly over for the ceremony but I told them not to bother because it wasn’t going to be a big thing.”
“But that was a very big achievement.” I don’t blame him for being confused.
“It was, but my parents believed I’d majored only in Business Administration when the truth was I had also majored in Contemporary Arts. That’s how I met Adam and Bennett, actually. Adam majored in English Literature and we had a few classes together our freshman year. In any case, I didn’t want to deal with my parents in person when they found out, but they did watch the ceremony and my speech online. The university streamed it.
“So afterward they called me and we had this big fight. My mum cried, Dad was yelling at me for not being a good son, and I kind of exploded. I know now that the timing of that phone call couldn’t be helped, but the fact is, the last thing I told my parents before I hung up was that if they didn’t want me to lie to them, then they shouldn’t have made me feel like a disappointment.” I suck in a sharp breath before continuing. “A couple of hours after that I got the phone call from Milton that they’d been in an accident and died.”
“I remember that first day we met and you came over for dinner. You said something about working on your guilt over your parents’ deaths. Did you feel guilty about them dying or about what happened before?” he asks with a frown.
“Both, actually. No matter how many times I told myself that it wasn’t my fault, that another driver lost control in the rain and crashed into them, I know they were only on the roadso late coming back to the city from Oxfordshire because of me.”
“Do you still believe that? Or should I try to explain to you the statistics of car accidents in the UK?”
I bark out a surprised laugh. “You know those statistics for every country?” I ask teasingly.
“No, just a few of them,” he tells me seriously. I don’t quash the instinct to lean in and steal a burger-flavored kiss.
“I know better now, though I don’t think I’ll ever stop wishing that our last conversation had been better.”
“That’s not irrational,” he counters, and leaves the “like the other part” unsaid, which I find touching.
“Let’s clean up, yeah?” I ask softly.
We don’t speak as we pick up everything from outside and bring it back to the kitchen. When we’re done, Liam’s standing by the back of the couch and staring longingly at it. He wants to try out the comfortable looking cushions, and I can’t blame him, but instead of pulling him toward it, I walk right up and kiss him.
I don’t stop myself from escalating the kiss this time, and thankfully he doesn’t mind one bit if the way he presses his whole body to mine is any indication.
“Liam, I’m going to say something and I want you to trust that I’m being honest, okay?” I speak right against his lips.
“Okay,” he says, and sounds almost distracted.
“I want to give you a blow job and see how I like it.”
His body goes rigid. He stares at me for a long moment and his frown comes back.
“What happens if you don’t like it?”
“Well, I don’t think that will happen considering the resultsI’ve had by imagining it, but if I don’t like it at all, would it be a deal breaker for you if I don’t do it again?”
I appreciate that he thinks about it for a long time. He’s not going to placate me—ever—and that’s one of the things I like the most about him.
“I don’t think I’d have a problem with that, especially because I don’t want you to feel pressure to do it.” He pauses for a moment and then locks eyes with me. “Are you sure you’re saying you want to do this now because it’s what you really want and not because you think it’s expected? Because it’s not expected at all.” He keeps going before I can reassure him. “I don’t like topping, and I would never do that just for you.”
It takes me a long moment to process everything he just said, but when I have, I can’t help the relieved sigh.
“I don’t want you to think this is me not accepting I’m a queer man or committing to being in a queer relationship,” I hurry to say. “Like I said, in my head the idea of sucking you off is really appealing to me, but I can’t promise it will be in reality. On the other hand, in my head the idea of bottoming isn’t appealing at all. I am willing to try everything once, though, and I don’t want you to not get something you need out of our relationship.”
“I think the only thing I need regarding sex from our relationship is that we share pleasure and we bring each other pleasure. As long as we communicate openly about our desires and needs there’s no reason either of us should be dissatisfied. Lastly, I don’t think you’re any less queer if you only want to top, just like not enjoying performing oral sex isn’t an indicator of queerness at all. There’s a lot of research being done tofigure out why people in the LGBTQ community are often incredibly rude to bisexual individuals but none of it is conclusive yet. I can let you know when there’s a breakthrough, though.”
