Page 91 of Wants and Needs
Does he even want to come in?
What if his cheerfulness is only because he came here to break up and get rid of me?
Are the cinnamon rolls to soften the blow?
“Wha—” I was about to ask him directly what he wanted but he cuts me off.
“I’m here to ask you again if you want my company?” he declares, squaring his shoulders and standing taller. “I want to assure you that if you say no, I will accept your wishes, but I also want to clarify that whatever you need to do or say to work through the incredible disappointment of not getting the investoryou wanted will not change my mind about you. Whatever happens while you’re dealing with this won’t change my feelings for you, and Iwantto be here for you and support you.”
I mull over his words for a moment.
Happiness and dread are both making my heartbeat quicken.
It has to be an incredible stroke of luck to have found Carter when I did. He’s understanding and patient and kind, but do I deserve it?
Is what he’s saying true?
Will he still want to be here when I blast dark and angry music all over my apartment for hours on end followed by hours of complete silence?
“For the sake of complete honesty,” he says before I can come up with any way to react. “I should tell you I went up to your parents’ place first and talked to your mum. I didn’t know that you hadn’t told her about Mrs. Blackwell, and I kind of blurted it out to her. Also, I asked her if she thought me pushing today and asking again if you really wanted to be alone was a good idea. She told me to come and ask again, so here I am.”
Okay, there’s a lot more to unpack there.
Is it wrong that I’m relieved Carter was the one to tell Mom about the big failure?
I hope it’s not, because I was really dreading having to deal with her disappointment. And best of all, she’ll probably tell Dad, so I won’t have to say a word to him either.
Now, the fact that he asked her if it’s a good idea to ask me again does bring up mixed feelings in me.
On the one hand, it feels like I’m being treated like a child. Carter could’ve asked me.
On the other hand, I’m hardly qualified to tell Carter what to do or what I need. It took only three sips of coffee earlier to realize I have no clue what I need.
So maybe it can feel like I’m being treated like a child, but it can also feel like it’s necessary in this instance?
I don’t really feel like being mad at Carter for asking Mom, or at Mom for answering. Maybe when I do have the energy to add anger to my special cocktail of emotions, I’ll rant, but not today.
Today I... “I don’t want to be alone,” I admit, still staring at the box. I hear Carter’s short gasp, then it feels like my insides melt when he asks quietly.
“Do you want my company or someone else? I can get them for you.”
“No, I want it to be you,” I confess. Then I take a step back, leaving the door open for him. I hear him come in as I set down the box on the counter.
“Then let me just say this. I have the whole weekend off, and I even asked Sebas for Monday and Tuesday off too because I have a cool... date planned. If you don’t feel like going out, then we don’t have to leave at all, though. I just thought it’d be a good idea to take your mind off everything. But what’s most important is that I just want to be here with you. So whatever you want to do...” He trails off, but I understand perfectly well what he’s saying.
I stay with my back to him for a moment longer, and wonder if it really is wise to let him see this part of me, but then I remember how special Carter is. If I want to... keep him, then he needs to see this side of me too. It wouldn’t be fair to himotherwise.
“ESoothe has been all I have for a very long time,” I start out slowly, and turn to see him looking at me with eyes wide open and his lips tilted with a small smile. “I’ve worked toward making it a reality for almost a decade, and now it’s possible that it’s all been for nothing.”
I take a deep breath and let it out harshly. Seems like a rant is what’s on the menu.
“Even worse than that possibility is the idea that I also just wasted years of my friends’ lives. Added to that, now I have you, and the idea that I might ruin things between us because I can’t deal with disappointment the way other people do is terrifying, Carter!”
My chest heaves with short breaths, and instead of telling me I’m acting insane, he walks over and takes my hands in his. His grip is too strong, but I don’t mind, it gives me something else to focus on.
“Why do you think that would ruin things between us, darling?” he asks softly.
“Because I’m not like other people,” I cry out.
