Page 83 of Wants and Needs
“I did.” He nods and walks to the coffee machine. I hurry to get him a cup, then get creamer, milk, and sugar.
I pay attention to how he prepares it, wanting to memorize everything from this moment. No sugar, and a big splash of creamer.
I don’t want us to talk about how my greatest creation won’t ever reach the public, or how I’ll be forced to sell it if I want it to. I don’t want Carter to regret starting a relationship with me by showing him the worst of me one day in.
And it’s creeping up to the surface, the need to?—
“Liam,” Carter whispers. He walks over with a trepidation that brings up the usual self-hatred. I start shaking my head before he takes the second step. “It’s okay to not be better, darling.”
The term of endearment throws me off.
“I like that.”
“What?” he asks, still speaking low.
“You calling me darling. I’ve never had anyone but my mother call me a term of endearment.”
“It’s not very original,” he mumbles, then shrugs. “It just... came out.”
“You’re right, maybe we should find better ones? I’d like to call you something nice too, but something only I can call you.”
My mind is already whirling with ideas, but none of them are good enough for Carter.
“We can do that some other time... darling.” He says it deliberately this time, and I find that I like it even more than I initially thought. “I can see you’re doing your best to change the subject.” Dammit. “And I understand why,” he goes on quickly. “I want you to know I understand, but I also want you to feel like youcantalk about this with me. I’ll be here to support you with this.”
Another sip... or a few of them, are the only way I can possibly avoid ranting in that moment.
“Thank you,” I tell him finally. I can’t promise him I’ll take him up on his words, because how could I?
Our relationshipjustbegan last night and he’s taking a huge leap to be with me. Showing him the side of me that’s desperate to come out right now is not the way to keep growing our relationship.
“And you don’t have to walk me to work if you don’t want to,” he murmurs, and this time when he slides up next to me I don’t feel as panicky. He slides his arm around my waist and pats my back softly, and that makes me relax a bit more as well.
“I do want to,” I tell him quietly. “A walk before the heat ramps up will be nice. And I need to go talk to Tristan at noonanyway. I was also thinking about how I’m going to break the news to Parker and William,” I confess. “I don’t want to have to tell them when I don’t have all the facts, but I feel like it might be best.”
“You know them better than I do.” He reaches for his coffee with his free hand, then turns back to me after he drinks a long sip. “But if they can offer any suggestions or encouragement, maybe it would be better if you see them before?”
“I suppose... oh! Maybe I can invite them to MP so they can try the treats, though I don’t know how well they do with dogs. I should ask.”
“That’s a good idea, but I’m just letting you know now, Theo isn’t in because he and Mike are away for a long weekend to celebrate their second wedding anniversary.”
I nod in acknowledgement, but if William and Parker are fine with dogs, I don’t see why we should skip the visit to MP. Casey, the woman who took my order the last time I was there was very kind.
With that task in mind, it gives my mind a reprieve for at least the half hour it takes us to walk out of my apartment.
Then the flutters in my stomach appear again when Carter reaches for my hand as we walk out of the elevator in the lobby. They keep me distracted.
The sidewalks are busy with people hurrying to their jobs, and at one point we have to walk in a line to be able to pass.
The view I get of Carter’s ass in my pants is another delightful distraction.
There’s no conversation whatsoever as we walk, and instead I focus on other people. It’s Friday, so that means there are kids inuniform running around as well, going in and out of bodegas where they’ve rushed to get a snack before school.
That’s what I used to do when I was on my way to Juilliard anyway.
I leave Carter in front of St. Anthony with a long kiss and then make my way to MP, thankful that neither of my friends mind dogs when they’re in a fenced area.
While I wait for my second coffee of the day, and my treat, the dread of disappointing them, my family, Tristan... it comes back like a sledgehammer.
