Page 54 of Wants and Needs
As fast as I can. And I even try to convince Carter that everything’s fine, but I can’t bring myself to look at him.
I half run for two blocks before I manage to stop and lean against some storefront. I check my location because I don’t even know in which direction I ran, and see it’s a fifteen minute walk to my place, which is too much for right now.
I pull out my earbuds, and just select my usual relaxation playlist, then call a car. The Cloud Atlas soundtrack is soothing in the best way, because by the end it has such a big sense ofhope that it immediately turns my thoughts to how things could be after this ball.
I arrive at my place and go about my routine without taking my earbuds off until I have to for my shower.
I go over every answer Carter gave during our get-to-know-each-other session, making sure to memorize them. He seems really intent on having this go perfectly, and all I really want is to never have to see Dirk again.
He was right when he said it took a long time to get over him, but it was more the time it took to get over what he’d done.
The second I found him with another man the repulsion was instant.
He tried to grab my arm right after the other man ran away with his clothes bundled up in his hands, and I recoiled so hard I almost fell.
My desire to touch and be touched by a person is the only true indicator I have of love, so I can only deduce my love for him died instantly.
So yeah, it’s not like I’ve loved him all these years and wanted him back. That was never true. It was more the blow to my ego and sense of trust. At least that’s the way Dr. Becky worded it.
But if Carter and my reactions to him ever since I met him are any indication, then I’d say my ability to trust has been completely healed.
And his friends are clearly supportive.
He said they’re his family now, and though I suspect Milton fits into that category as well, Carter didn’t say so. But Milton did smile at me.
That has to be good, right?
I turn off the speaker in my bathroom and the silence is both startling and like a balm to my brain. I dry myself off quickly then put on my pajamas, and I’m just about to go clear out my backpack when my phone buzzes.
Carter
Did you get home okay?
I recognize the frizzle of electricity in my abdomen for what it is, excited nerves, and I’m not sure what to do about it. I need time to think about it, but then I think that remembering the way Carter’s warm body felt against my palms will only make the fizzles worse, so I shut that idea down and answer quickly.
Liam
I did.
There’s not much more to tell for tonight, and I have to focus on getting all the rest I need for tomorrow’s session with the Storms. As far as acquaintances go, they’re almost at the top of my list, but they can be a lot.
They’re talented and passionate about their music careers, and I do admire them for everything they’ve accomplished, but I always have to focus hard on their facial expressions and words to understand what they mean and what they’re feeling. I always make sure to ask a lot of questions with them because I don’t want to disappoint them with my recordings.
They’re important to my parents, and their parents wereveryintegral in Mom and Dad’s story, so I know I need to give them my best.
I try to do that for all the artists who contact me to record for them, but it’s more poignant with them for some reason.
In any case, if I manage to get more than my usual eight hours of sleep, then that will give me an advantage tomorrow. So I leave my phone out by the living room, take everything out of my backpack and put it in its place, then go right to bed. Who cares that it’s barely seven o’clock?
I’mthe first one at the studio the next morning, which isn’t surprising since I was up before the sun today. I managed to fall asleep relatively quickly—which goes to show how much yesterday took its toll on me—but I did wake up at what Mom calls an ungodly hour.
Also, the studio is just down the block from my building, so it really barely took me any time to get here even with a stop for coffee and the gym where they let me use one of their insulated yoga studios for my workout.
All morning I’ve been thinking about Carter.
Everything I put off thinking about last night came barreling into my mind as soon as I woke up, and now I can’t stop.
Was the touching as nice for him as it was for me?
