Page 18 of Wants and Needs
I see Wolf’s offering me his hand, and so I hurry to shake it. “Hello, thank you for the invitation,” I tell him, only looking at his eyes for a second, and then offering my hand to CJ. “Nice to meet you, and happy birthday.” I can’t look directly in his eyes, it’s too soon. And it’s his birthday, and his party, which I said I wouldn’t come to, and then said I would less than two days before.
“Thank you,” CJ says, and I do catch him smiling wide, which couldn’t be more opposite to Wolf’s frown. I’m hoping that’s his usual frown and he’s not offended by how long it took me to greet him. “We’re so glad you came, thank you for making the trip.” He looks at all three of us while he talks, and by the way Mom’s smiling, I can tell she finds him charming. “We’ve got all you could want for a birthday, so come down and we’ll show you around.”
I don’t speak again until the tour of the festivities is almostover, and I’m thankful no strangers have come up to greet us. That would be very unnerving—more unnerving. There are so many strangers, people I’ve never met and have no clue how to talk to.
God, I really think this might’ve been a mistake.
I’m going to have to go back to regular appointments with Dr. Becky just so I can figure out what sick part of my brain thought this was a good idea. Seriously, what the hell am I supposed to?—
“Hello again.”
I hear his calm voice and my spiraling thoughts stop. What is up with that?
I turn and see Carter greeting my father, then I see him accept a hug from Mom. He closes his eyes when they do, and even I can see he enjoys the embrace. Can’t blame him, my mom’s hugs are the best.
“Liam,” he murmurs when he leans back from Mom, and he offers me a hand just like at the airport.
“He-hey,” I say, stumbling over the simple greeting, but I shake his hand then let go quickly. Was his skin so soft before? I don’t think it was.
“Come on, let’s get you guys something to eat,” Hawk says excitedly and leads all of us to one of the grills.
Someone calls Carter’s name, and he jogs away after offering us another brilliant smile, and then we’re shown to a table. The food is magnificent, and I relax a little when Hawk sits next to me and asks me all about ESoothe, which he tells me Mom told him about.
ThatI can talk about for hours on end, and I appreciate howHawk becomes as intensely focused as I do when I get to the neurological components of my research. When he explains that he has ADHD and takes medication daily, which is why he knows a little about the subject, I become even more excited.
It seems like no time passes at all, but I can see the sun’s position has changed a lot when strong arms wrap around Hawk from behind. I look up just as Hawk looks back, and though I don’t squeal and shout like he does, I do smile at Sterling.
He’s also a musician, closer in age by far to my parents than to Hawk, but they’re all good friends, and I’ve known him a long time too.
His husband, Jules, sits in front of me at the picnic table and asks me how I am, and I try to be as natural as possible with him, and Tristan when he joins us a minute later. He works in public relations and knows everyone who’s worth knowing basically, and he’s been helping me a lot with getting ESoothe off the ground. I’m more comfortable with him the more we interact, but soon enough I can’t take it anymore.
I go to stand, an excuse ready on the tip of my tongue, when suddenly Wolf’s voice blares out of the big speakers.
“Hey everyone, if you could all come down to the tennis court, please. It’s time to sing happy birthday to CJ so we can have some cake.”
The thought of standing so close to all the people at the party, all of them singing at the same time... it’s too much. Thankful for the distraction, since Jules isn’t looking at me anymore, I walk uphill. Fast.
Hopefully no one sees me, and if my parents do, then they’ll know I’m safe and doing what I need to recalibrate.
That’s the nicest way of saying it. In reality what I need is space, time, and music to get my shit together.
I find a big boulder up ahead and decide that’s as good a place as any to sit, so I do. I take out my earbuds, and the silence does half the work to calm me down. Then I make sure my watch is connected to my phone, and I start answering the questions to kickstart the algorithm. In less than two minutes, the playlist is made and I hit play.
Enya’s angelic voice fills my head.
It’s so fucking ironic and frustrating that the thought of people singing will make me run away but music will help calm me down.
It’s not that stupid birthday song, though, but instead “May It Be,” which isn’t only a masterpiece but was also made for one of my favorite movies ever.
I open my eyes quickly when a shadow passes, and I see Carter standing in front of me. His eyes look... intense. The complete blackness once more threatens to swallow me, but this time I don’t look away.
I can’t.
Even when they narrow and his head tilts to the side slightly.
With “Kids” by OneRepublic now sounding in my ears, I don’t move a muscle.
Carter doesn’t look mad, I’m pretty sure, and instead I suspect it’s curiosity making him stand in front of me not saying anything for what seems like three minutes.
