Page 94 of Wants and Needs
“So, you’re a lot older than Logan, right? That makes you basically an only child.”
“That’s right,” he says without taking his eyes away from the buns that we’re toasting on the grill before we put the meat on.
“Did life change a lot when you suddenly had siblings?” I know from talking to Adam that suddenly having siblings can be wonderful and bring a lot of joy, but I have to figure it was a tough change for Liam.
“The crying was very annoying when they were babies,” Liam says in an even tone that I recognize he uses when he’s teasing.
I laugh softly at that. I should’ve known he’d say something like that.
“I just bet it was, but I mean, did you want siblings?”
Liam frowns down at the grill as he flips the buns over, and when he hasn’t answered for a while I worry that he might think I’m asking out of malice toward his siblings, which I’m not.
“I’m just asking because I never wanted siblings,” I tell him bluntly. He looks up at me with a surprised expression.
“Why not?”
“My parents put a lot of pressure on me to have a successful career,” I admit. “And that started when I was quite young, actually. I’m not saying they were bad parents, because they really weren’t. They spoiled me rotten all my life and provided for me above and beyond what’s expected. But not only did I selfishly not want to share the small amount of time I had with them, because they both had very demanding careers, but I also didn’t want to have to worry about them pressuring anyone else.”
“I think I understand,” he says, speaking slowly. “My parents also had very demanding careers.”
“I know they did.”
He lets out a big breath and puts the buns on the plates we set up next to the grill.
“I suppose you know, like the rest of the world, that my parents didn’t plan on getting pregnant with me.”
“I do,” I say softly, and take a tiny step closer while he puts the burgers on the grill. “They were young.”
“They were kids,” he corrects me and shakes his head. “They weren’t ready to be parents, but they chose to be. Neither they nor I know if I’m... the way I am because they chose to keepfurthering their careers while raising me. But I have to admit,” he says softly like he’s telling me a secret. “I seriously doubt it. I choose to believe I was always meant to be this way, and though it took years, I’ve learned to like the way I am.”
“I like the way you are too.” I smack a kiss on his cheek and get rewarded with a big though fleeting smile.
“In any case, what I’m getting at is that I don’t think any of my siblings would’ve done well with my childhood, but it was perfect for me. Yes, Mom and Dad chose to keep touring, keep releasing albums every other year, and I was there with them for all of that, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t have absolutely everything I needed while I was growing up. Mom lost her whole family when she chose to not give me up for adoption and become a nun the way her parents wanted her to. And while she was touring, Dad couldn’t just take time off. He came with us and took care of me while she was working, and she did the same when he was touring.
“There were even years when they weren’t actually a couple and still spent almost every day together because of me. If my siblings had been through that when they were six or seven, I think they would’ve hated it. I barely noticed if I’m honest. They never hired a nanny to take care of me, but we had teachers travel with us—lots of teachers—and Dr. Becky, my therapist as well, but they chose that very hard life where no one had to give up anything. For me.
“All those years, when I was still learning to manage my Autism, I never gave siblings a thought, and of course I can’t know what would’ve happened if they had gotten pregnant then, but I don’t think it would’ve gone well. But when they did getpregnant again, they were actually married, and they weren’t touring as much anymore—and when they did it was together—and I was in a much better place despite the hell puberty put me through.”
I can’t help but snort at that, and I reach for the tongs to flip the burgers since he seems to have forgotten he’s supposed to do that.
It’s fine, they’ll be a bit more well made than I normally like them, but I don’t care. I just want to keep hearing him talk.
“When they told me they were pregnant, I was actually happy about it. It took me a few months to process it, but when Logan was born and I saw how happy my parents were, I understood they finallywereready, and I couldn’t be mad at anyone for it.”
There’s a long pause and then he shakes his head.
“By the time Larson was born I was already attending Juilliard and had a whole life of my own even though I was still living with them. My parents stopped touring altogether some time before that, and we were settled in the city, and well, it’s no lie that London is my favorite, so putting up with all the crying for years was worth it.”
Again, he makes me laugh so effortlessly. I flip the burgers again and Liam turns, once again looking like he’s aware of his surroundings. We finish grilling the burgers and plate them up, and I find out he hates pickles but loves mayo on his burgers, and I feel like just being with him, talking and finding out new things about him, is only making my feelings for him grow faster.
The two days at his place did that too, but in a different way. We barely talked for days, and most of what I learned about himwas what music he likes to listen to, and how incredibly long he can stay lost in his thoughts.
I had a lot of time to think during those days as well.
The more notable realization was that I really don’t care about how I define myself as long as I feel like I’m doing the right thing.
And this new relationship with Liam feels more right than anything has in a very long time. I don’t know why I’ve never been attracted to a man before, or maybe I just didn’t realize it, but I don’t care why.
