Page 62 of Wants and Needs
I can’t believe how stupid that was. I can’t?—
“You okay, kid?” Eric asks me.
“Yeah, fine,” I mutter and hurry to find a song that will make me feel even slightly less like old gum stuck on a twenty-year-old shoe.
I thought I knew Carter enough to recognize the signs for what they were.
I really believed we were forming a connection beyond friendship. The fuzzies in my stomach...
Well, those were real enough, I suppose.
Just shamefully, regretfully, and painfully unrequited.
I guess relationships just aren’t for me, and that includes friendships apparently.
I should’ve learned that lesson six years ago, but I didn’t, and now I have to find a way to deal with it, to finally get it through my head.
And here I was, thinking I was smart.
I find the playlist I need and a harsh breath that’s not quite a sob leaves me when the first notes of Creep begin.
I close the app immediately and take off my earbuds.
Not even music will fix this.
Carter
“How the fuckam I supposed to know if I liked it?” I explode when I can’t think of an answer. “It was barely a second and then I pulled away.”
“I mean . . .” CJ trails off and shrugs.
“What?” I shout at him. “What do you mean?”
“Why did you pull away?”
“Because a man was kissing me, CJ,” I tell him like he’s lost a few screws—he’s acting like it at least.
“Was that really why?” he demands, straightening and leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “Or was it only shock? Maybe disgust? Maybe fear?”
“I am not disgusted by Liam,” I protest. “Or afraid of him. And of course I was shocked.”
“All right, but why was it shocking anyway?” he asks andthrows his hands up. “You guys looked cozy tonight, holding hands all the time.”
“We were faking,” I counter.
“Were you really?” he presses. “I saw you talking to him, saw you holding his cheeks and whispering. You’re more than comfortable with him, so why did you pull back so quickly from him when he kissed you? Are you scared you might like it? Scared you’ll hurt his feelings?” He speaks evenly, like no answers could be wrong, but I feel like there are a lot of answers that could be wrong.
“I don’t know why I pulled away so quickly besides the shock,” I tell him through gritted teeth. “I’mnotscared I might like it, of course I don’t want to hurt his feelings, and this conversation is over!” I declare. “It’s not helping anything, so please leave.”
“No,” he says simply.
“What do you mean, no? I want to be alone.”
“If you wanted to be alone you wouldn’t have dragged me up two flights of stairs and then shouted at me.”
Fuck, why does he have to know me so well?
“I don’t know what any of it means,” I confess, and it sounds like a whine, dammit.
