Page 79 of Win You Over
“Holden, you need to at least drink some water. You’ll dehydrate with all these tears.” He rubs the pad of his thumb under my eye, collecting the wetness that I have become so numb to, I barely recognise it’s coming from me.
When he tries to slide out from under me, I tighten my hold around his waist, hoping my grip on him is enough to ask him not to leave. Not now. Not when my world is so fractured.
I don’t even care that everyone knows my darkest secret. I don’t care that they’ll look at me with pity or disgust, or a curious mix of the two. All I care about is that the man I love got hurt.
“I’ve got you. I’ve always got you.”
Ever since that day he decided he wanted me as his friend, Theo has been by my side. No judgement, no pressure, just pure, unconditional friendship. My chest aches when I think of another person who was equally as persistent to call me his friend. Look what his persistence did. More tears roll down my cheeks, unbidden.
On top of the grief about Remi being hurt, there’s an undercurrent of guilt that I can’t shake. I never even noticed the knife was missing, never bothered to check for it when we returned. Somewhere between kissing Remi for the first time and watching horror movies in his bed, I stopped needing the comfort it brought, and if truth be told; I forgot all about it.
The thought hits me with a wave of sadness. Is this me forgetting my dad slowly? I shake my head. No. I would never forget him, but maybe I need him less the older and stronger I get. Which is okay. I like to think he’d understand and be proud of me.
There’s a knock on our door, snagging my attention away from my spiralling thoughts about my father. Seconds later, it opens and one of our housemates sticks his head in.
“Um, there’s a guy delivering two beds,” he says, pointing over his shoulder.
“Thanks, have him leave them in the lounge,” Theo answers. “I’ll sort them out later.”
I bury my face against his chest. He smells like the home I grew up loving. Like old books and riding bikes. Like cafeteria meals and Oreos. Like a friendship built out of love and respect.
And while he’s holding me together, he’s not the home I want to cling to. He’s not the person I want holding me.
That person, who feels more like a home than any other before, smells like citrus and sunscreen. Like the sea and marker pens and honey. He is warmth and comfort and a million and one amazing things all rolled into the cocky, sweet man that stole my heart.
It’s been two days since Remi was stabbed. Two very long, very tiring days. His family arrived within twenty-four hours of it happening, his sister cutting her honeymoon short. Because I’m not listed as his next of kin, I spent that time pacing, burning a hole in the waiting room floor. My mind concocting a list of all the things that could have gone wrong.
Everything about that night is a blur. From the time Remi hit the ground to my panicked plea for him to be okay, to the rush of the paramedics when they entered the house and carried him out. I stayed with Theo, looking down at the blood staining my hands, until he had to physically drag me out of the house.
I don’t know what happened to Finn. I don’t know if he regrets what he did or if he wishes it had been me. I wish it was me.
My phone rings and I blink my bleary eyes. Theo picks it up and holds it in front of my face.
Nadine: He’s asking for you.
I let out a breath and take the phone from Theo.
Me:Can I see him? Is that okay with you?
I’m afraid she’ll say no. Afraid they’ll blame me for all of this, but her reply has more tears welling in my already swollen eyes.
Nadine:We all want you here, Holden.
Showing the message to Theo, I roll over and climb off the bed. Stretching and sniffing my underarms. I reek. A combination of sadness and stale sweat.
“I didn’t want to upset you even more, but you seriously stink, my friend,” Theo pipes up, and for the first time in days, something resembling a smile twists up my lips.
“You shower and head over to the hospital and I will sort out the bed situation. I can’t believe the fucker actually bought them.”
He shakes his head with amusement as he opens the door and heads out of the room.
The last time I was in a hospital was before we left the UK, in the aftermath ofthatincident. This hospital is nothing like the one from my childhood. For one, Remi’s room is private, and the bed he’s in looks more like a hotel bed than what you’d expect to see in a medical suite.
His father and sister are sitting in a semi-circle around his bed, Nadine holding his hand as she talks quietly to him.
“Holden,” Nadine says when I walk in, getting up from her seat and wrapping me in a tight hug. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
She takes my cheeks in both her hands, looking into my eyes. She must see the fractured parts of me, with how deeply she stares.
