Page 105 of Tangled Hearts
Dr. Simmons tapped her pen against her notebook. “Okay, Knycole. Let me ask you this… what does love mean to you?”
Knycole blinked, the question catching her off guard when she had yet to reel in the sorrow from admitting to not being okay. She looked down at her hands.
“Love?” She gave a dry laugh. “Love feels like… like waiting for hurt to hit you. Love to me is… showing up for somebody over and over, even when you know they wouldn’t do the same for you. It’s begging them to see you, knowing deep down they can’t. That’s all I know.”
Simone nodded slowly, giving her space. “That sounds heavy. So let’s flip it. What doeshurtmean to you?”
Knycole’s eyes watered, but she kept her gaze forward. “Hurt is when you know better but you still fuck up... Still hold onto hope that the person you love so much doesn’t hurt you. Hurt is when you put everybody else’s feelings before your own, and you watch yourself disappear, little by little. Hurt is looking at my daddy and realizing I wanted his love so bad I took whatever scraps he gave me. And now I do that with everybody else. That’s hurt. It’s me never being enough no matter how hard I try.” Her chest heaved, but she swallowed it down, pressing her lips together until they trembled.
Simone’s voice was warm when she spoke, and her eyes didn’t hold judgement. “That’s powerful, Knycole. And heartbreaking. But I want you to hear this… you don’t have toinherit your father’s definition of love. You don’t have to keep proving yourself to people if they don’t see you. What you called love is what I call survival. And what you called hurt is what happens when survival becomes your whole story. But there’s more to write for you.”
Knycole lifted her head, eyes glistening. She didn’t respond right away. Instead, she just sat there soaking in everything. Still something about those words pressed into her chest, like there was a different kind of love she hadn’t touched yet.
And lord knows, Knycole wanted to touch it. Wanted to bask in all the goodness it just had to be.
When Knycole pulled up to her house, she wasn’t expecting to see Rock parked in front of her mailbox. His car looked polished under the streetlights, all black and sleek—the one Hov gifted him. She’d be lying if she said she didn’t admire it, but the sight of Rock behind the wheel pulled at something deeper. It twisted her gut because there was so much she needed to say.
It had been days since they’d spoken. Their texts were dry, nothing like the fire they once shared. A part of her welcomed the distance. Another part resented it. Resented the fact she moved away from Hov, from comfort, only to end up with empty space.
She was drained from therapy. And this was just the beginning—she knew she hadn’t scratched the surface of all the reasons her life was tangled. Still, there was no use pretending she didn’t see him.
She turned from her truck and walked toward his car.
Rock stepped out before she reached him. Jeans, a black tee, retro sneakers. A gold chain against his skin and freshlocs gained her approval. He half-smiled, the gap in his teeth catching the glow from the porch light.
Knycole’s chest tightened. Rock had always reminded her of her father’s brokenness, and now she understood why she was drawn to him. Girls chased what they knew, even when what they knew was pain.
“What’s up?” Rock leaned against the hood, eyes trailing over her.
Athletic wear was Knycole’s go to for school. She liked to be comfortable and cute.
“Hey,” she muttered, crossing her arms.
Silence stretched between them.
She caught the way his chest rose, the way he searched her face like he wanted to read her soul. Finally, she pulled in a breath, grounding herself for what needed to be said. “I’m working on myself, Rock. If I ever gave you hope about us, I’m sorry. I don’t want to be tangled anymore.”
Her words came out like word vomit that she wasn’t in a rush to catch or try to clean up.
He rubbed his hand over his face, staring past her toward the house. “You done with a nigga already?”
“Rock.”
He cut her off. “Nah, I get it.” He nodded. “So much has changed. I was locked away for five years while everything and everyone else kept rotating.”
“Did you want me to stay stuck?” Knycole asked, shifting her weight.
He didn’t say anything. Didn’t need to because she knew hedidexpect her to stay stuck on him even when he wasn’t talking to her. Even when he didn’t call. Even when he didn’t send a letter. Knycole was able to keep up with him through Hov and that was it. Rock went inside and pushed what they had to theback of his mind. Knycole understood it but that didn’t make it hurt any less.
“I’m trying to be done with everything that doesn’t serve me. That includes you if all we’re ever gon’ be is pain.” Her eyes slammed into him, searching for understanding.
Rock flexed his jaw. “At least you’re being honest.”
“You deserve that,” she agreed.
“I deserve more than that, if we’re being honest.”
“Like what, Rock? Huh? You want my tears? You want me to get on my knees and beg for your forgiveness? What do you want?” Her hands went up in the air, exhausted from the guilt in her gut.
