Page 84 of Falling Backwards
I couldn’t believe howokaythe first day of my and Maggie’s pretend relationship went.
It was strange in plenty of aspects, to be sure—we’re not used to being amicable or trusting with each other anymore—but it wasn’t bad.
The next couple days, on the other hand, felt much more familiar.At first, there was a decent bit of nothing between us.We only needed to spend a little bit of time together for work travel and none for shifts, and we didn’t have any errands to run; outside of that, we couldn’t decide whether we should go somewhere just for appearances, so we didn’t do anything at all.Then on an afternoon when we did have to spend more time around each other for work, our typical animosity burst to the surface again.
I mean, we didn’t end up considering calling off our plan or anything; neither of us was willing to dump her back into her unsettling situation to fend for herself.But were we all calm glances and idle chat?No.We argued all the way from her apartment to the restaurant because on the way out of her parking lot, I stomped on the brake to avoid hitting a car I truly hadn’t seen coming and it pissed her off.
Even though that was two days ago now, I clench my jaw just thinking about it.
She accused me of not paying attention, of course.I insisted Iwaspaying attention—I really had no idea where that other car had come from.Were they speeding around the lot and so they seemingly appeared out of nowhere?Was it some trick of the lighting with the color of their car?I didn’t know.But Maggie got started on a true rant about how anxious she always is in cars and how it shouldn’t be hard for me to drive properly at least while she’s with me.
What pissedmeoff was her next accusation: that I don’t care about her anxietyorher safety.
Yeah, that’s when the fight really started.I demanded she tell me why I’d pretend to be her boyfriend to keep Kyle at bay if I didn’t give a shit about her fears or her well-being.She demanded right back that I enlighten her about how I could see the seriousness of that situation but not of driving responsibly.Which, of course, brought up the turn signal thing again.Which led to me calling her uptight, then to me criticizing her penchant for criticizingmeall the damn time, then to me defending my driving yet again because Iamresponsible with my vehicle and I don’t care if she disagrees.Which took us back to her saying I don’t take her anxiety about cars seriously and me saying I do and that she should trust me instead of micromanaging me to insanity.
Well, that nearly tangibly resurrected her recent,‘Oh, can I trust you?’thing.And that memory—and all the ones it harked back to—helped nothing.
We didn’t reach a truce by the time we got to work.Didn’t chill out during our shifts—not towards each other, anyway.The last thing either of us wanted was for our bad moods to affect the job.But we found little moments for glares and surreptitious snips like,‘Get your head out of your ass,’and,‘You get on my damn nerves.’
It has gotten better in the two days since then, though.I’ve had more chances to prove I’m not a bad driver.She has stopped sitting tensely enough in my passenger seat to make evenmymuscles tired.And we’ve been able to exchange words not loaded with vexation and insult.
This very moment, I finish cashing out a guest and catch Maggie’s eye where she waits for a couple to sit at their table here in the bar area, and the look we share could almost be called mild.
We’re not back to having an‘okay’day yet, but maybe soon.
Really, I guess we’re probably doing well, all things considered.
—
It’s day three after our car fight when I get out of the shower and see I’ve received a text from Maggie:
I’m still a little spooked about the parking lot thing from the other day, but I apologize for how that went.I feel like I overreacted even though I know it came from a bad experience I had that would probably stick with anyone
Simultaneously, something in me grumbles that she did overreact and something else in me murmurs that I understand and the rest of me thinks her text is a nice surprise because as I was falling asleep last night, I realized I’ve started feeling a little bad for some of the stuff I said as well.
ME:I promise it does matter to me whether you’re comfortable and safe, and I get why your fear is hard to shake.And I promise I didn’t see that car coming on in the lot even though I was watching where I was going.But I apologize too
MAGGIE:Yeah, I know you care.You really wouldn’t be helping me with Kyle if you didn’t
She types for a couple seconds, then stops, then starts again.
MAGGIE:What a situation we’ve found ourselves in
A smile tugs at my lips, a little wry, a little amused.
ME:Yep.It’s taking some getting used to
MAGGIE:It is
Another stretch of seconds in which she figures out what to say.
Then:
Thank you still
Her gratitude is something else I’m still getting used to, along with the sincerity behind what I’ve been doing to earn it.
I’m sure the same is true for her.
