Page 77 of Falling Backwards
Really, it made me breathless to talk about that stuff with him.I tried my hardest to hide it.Tried my hardest to neither slip into resentment nor into little imaginings of what it’s going to be like to be in each other’s personal space.
I’m affected by it all over again now, just at the thought.
Nevertheless, that rule and the others are straightforward enough, we think.Reasonable enough.Between the touching thing and the try-to-get-along thing, we’ll probably be a bit rocky, but…I think we can do it.
Still, while he was driving me to work, I did have to suggest he use his turn signals.
He tried to assure me, “Not using them isn’t that big of a deal.”
I’d replied, “Remember what I said about stop signs?Blinkers exist for a reason.They tell other people what to expect from you and the dangerous machine you’re operating.”
“We’re good, Maggie.It’s not like I’m swerving around without any warning.”
“It might feel like that to other drivers, though.”
He went on to tell me his driving record is fine, he’s never been in a wreck, and I’m not in danger with him.I reminded him that Ihavebeen in a wreck and it was scary, so I’d appreciate it if he’d do what he’s supposed to do while he’s carting us around.
He looked like he wanted to heave a big sigh, or roll his eyes, or retort.But he refrained.
I appreciated however much of a win that was for me, especially since he still didn’t start using his blinkers.
Thinking this leads to thinking of the brief few minutes I was able to spare for my friends when they texted me back.They’d been busy at work and I was about to clock in, but they were worried about me since the last thing they heard about was my grocery store trip.I told them I was safe, that I was sorry for our ruined dinner plan, and that Luke helped me come up with a solution for the Kyle problem.They were satisfied with knowing that much for the time being; I can give them the details later.
However, Emma had said,‘Bramhill acting mature two days in a row, huh?Didn’t see that coming.’
She has no idea how big a surprise it really is.
Even I have yet to wrap my mind around how controlled he and I have both been.
Wonder when it’ll falter.
Luke glances up from setting a drink on the bar and catches my gaze—twist, leap, fall goes my stomach because I didn’t realize my eyes had slipped back to him.
He still doesn’t look annoyed.He complimented me earlier.He listened to the song I mentioned.He traded phone numbers with me in the car.
He’s my boyfriend again.
Craziness.
This is absolute craziness.
We pull our attention off each other.
Somehow, I think I would’ve felt even crazier about saying no to his idea.
Back at my apartment, when he said we’ve dated before and we can pretend to do it again, it felt so sharp that I almost asked,‘Weren’t you pretending the first time too?’But I didn’t want to get into what happened because it still hurts, and…well, I didn’t want to risk him rescinding his offer.Envisioning scraping our way through a fake relationship sounded better than me braving the situation alone and hoping it wouldn’t worsen.Besides, Luke made his offer already knowing our past; rubbing salt into the wound wouldn’t have been very good thanks on my part.
And he said he’s never been so mad at me that he’d be okay with something hurting me.
Surprisingly mature, indeed.
I…thought he did hate me.
He should, shouldn’t he?Didn’t my actions warrant it, like his warranted me feeling that way towards him?
Well, maybe it’s all those things he said today, or maybe the stress I’ve been under, or both, butIcan be mature enough to admit I don’t literally hate him either.It used to feel like I did, but now….Like he said, fury and hatred aren’t the same thing.
So I still think the advice Mrs.Matthews gave about being kind to the person you’re with is good.Luke has been unexpectedly kind to me, and I think it’s fair that I reciprocate.I should compliment him in return and continue to show my gratitude to him, continue to apologize when I feel I’ve overstepped.
