Page 41 of Falling Backwards
“Certainly.”
Only after I’ve gone on my way do I think she might have shifted into making fun of me with that parting comment.
Not like I care.Especially since it wouldn’t have been anywhere near the worst insult a girl has ever sent my way.
Once upon a time, a certain girl even took it upon herself to post flyers all over our school to anonymously yet publicly spread embarrassing lies about me…as well as one truth that hurt way worse than any of the made-up things did, because I never dreamed she would use my deepest pain against me.
I wonder if I’ll ever get over that.
I wonder if there will ever come a day when thinking back on it doesn’t bring up the burn of betrayal.
Or the sting of sadness.
Or the rush of regret.
The quiet thoughts have me loudly clearing my throat.
I wish it were so—that the memories wouldn’t bother me so much, I mean.I’m not sure how it could happen, though.Whether or not Maggie has been around me over these last several years, what went on between us hasat bestlingered somewhere in the shadowy back of my mind, never truly gone away.At worst, it has dominated my thoughts to the point that it heated my blood or churned my stomach or left me shaky.
What can be done about it?
How can this whole thing be resolved when we hurt each other in ways that can’t be forgotten, much less undone?
—
“Okay, seriously?”I say impatiently, eyebrows lifting.“It.Does.Not.Matter.That I have my phone in my pocket instead of stashed in a locker.”
“Not if you’re waiting on news about an emergency,” Maggie agrees.“Are you waiting on news about an emergency?”
“Nope,” I try to reply blithely, but I don’t really succeed.I’m annoyed that she’s bothering me about this.
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised about it, but I can’t lie: part of me had kind of wondered if our last real work conversation—the one about the ibuprofen—was some indication that we’re capable of being halfway nice to each other.Especially since I was off yesterday and didn’t see her at all, which meant there was an extra bit of padding between that encounter and today’s fresh chance to step on each other’s toes again.I wasn’t holding my breath or anything, but that part of me did wonder….
Then a minute ago, she came into the breakroom as I was getting ready to leave it and she somehow noticed I didn’t put my phone in my locker like I’m supposed to.She promptly had things to say about it.
Now she makes a huffy sound and brings me out of my thoughts.I see she’s got her arms crossed and her eyes on the ceiling, like she’s searching for the right way to put her irritation with me into words.
Seeming to sense me looking at her, she drops her eyes to me and shakes her head.
“How long has this been going on?”she asks.“Was there ever a time that you did what you’re supposed to do or have you always had this disregard for—?”
“Chill out.” I start walking so I can use my last minute or two of break to get settled at the bar again.“You are way too upset about this.”
She scoffs.“No, I’m not too upset.How is what you’re doing fair to those of us who follow the rules?”
I slow to a stop again, happening to be close enough to her now that I can hear the little tremble in her breathing.I could laugh.‘I’m not too upset,’my ass—she’s starting to do that thing where she gets so frustrated with me that it has her short of breath.It’s like her body wants her to remain composed and softspoken like Maggie Moss naturally is, but her distaste for me is clawing its way to the surface, so her lungs get put to work trying to find balance.
I don’t bring that up.“I’m not doing any harm by having my phone on me.My work still gets done and my customers still get taken care of.I just like to be able to fill in the downtime with some quick texts or whatever.”I gesture at her.“I mean, how big of a deal could it be, Maggie, when you’ve never even caught me on my phone?God knows you’ve got eagle eyes when it comes to finding shit you think I should or shouldn’t—”
“You should do the right thing whether someone else is looking or not.”
I roll my eyes.“It’s not like this is actual scummy behavior!I’m not a scumbag!”
“But you’re breaking employee rules for no good reason!There’s usually something else that can be done in your downtime, another task that can be taken care of!And, what, do you thinkIwouldn’t like to be able to text my friends when I get bored?Why do you get to do it and I don’t?”
I give her a quizzical look.“Uhhhh, you could do it if you wanted to.You have free will.”
“I also have the responsibility of following rules that—”
