Page 34 of Falling Backwards
Except for….
But that doesn’t count.The time he and I spent together in high school may have felt like something real, but it was folly.We were built on sand, not concrete.
It’s not that my other boyfriends were hateful, though.When I say they weren’t safe places for me, I don’t mean they treated me badly.It’s just that when I think of someone who would be that for me, I think of unmatched comfort, the freedom to be who I am, and forgiveness for when I fall short.I think of easy silences and laughter that hurts the muscles.I think of encouragement and a sense of knowing that no matter how hard or ugly things get, indeed, my person will be there to steady me.
I saw glimpses of those things with the guys I’ve dated.Nothing more.Nothing true.
The memory of how true Luke felt at first makes my heart ache before I can stop it.
Inhaling through my nose, I close my eyes and will the sadness to go away.
It doesn’t really go, though.It just softens as I helplessly remember what it was like to be happy with him.
Back then, hanging out at the lake was a popular pastime for people our age because there were a lot of scenic spots that we high schoolers could get to without having to pay to enter campgrounds.A place Luke and I liked in particular had lots of big rocks we could sit on; we could relax on ones that were out in the open air or on ones tucked back closer to the tree line.The shore of the lake was near enough for us to hear the waves lapping at the land on windy days if we stayed quiet.We very creatively called the place the Water Rocks.
A tingle starts up in my lips.
I press them together and steer my thoughts away from that one cloudy afternoon when….
A less dangerous memory is that of how we used to listen to music together out there.We had some tastes in common and had others we were desperate to share; we both loved Snow Patrol and Fall Out Boy, I recall.He also used to share his favorite candy with me—gummy worms—while we talked.Gosh, we talked about so many things, from the heavy blow of his dad leaving to the lighthearted topic of shows and movies we enjoyed watching.
I still remember the day we learned that both of us were trying to decide how we felt aboutArrested Development.Oh my God, talking about George-Michael’s boring girlfriend getting called the wrong name had us laughing so loudly we scared a bunch of birds out of—
“Hi, Maggie.”
Jerked back into the real world, I blink, blink, blink my eyes open.To keep from laughing out loud over how Luke and I cracked the hell up about‘Egg,’I take in the person who has spoken to me from across the hostess stand.
And I’m jolted by bewildered surprise.
Not because the guy standing there is the one I was just seeing so clearly in my head.I’ve actually wondered if Luke isn’t feeling well today, because he’s looked really dull and he hasn’t messed with me at all….
No, I’m being grinned at by theguy from Mellow Burger.The one I ran into at Merritt’s.The one who seems to like me and whom I was hoping not to see again for a while.
Oh, gosh.
I can’t recall his name in this moment, but I know his face.How could I forget those wide, intense brown eyes and that look of open interest?
Face going hot and throat going dry, I say in an awkward rasp, “Oh, hi.”
If he’s surprised to find me here, too, I can’t tell.He’s all smiles.
“It’s so good to see you!”he says.“You look pretty, as usual.How are you?”Chuckling, he leans against the stand, slanting himself towards me that little bit.“Well, no matter how you are, I bet you’d be better if I had some spicy fries with me, right?”
Huh?Why would he mention…?Wait, did he notice I was eating spicy fries at Mellow Burger?
Maybe that wouldn’t have been a strange observation.
Still, it hits me in a strange way.
So much about him does.I guess it’s because of how forward he seems?Yeah, I don’t believe anyone has ever been forward about their interest in me quite like he has, and I just don’t like it very much.It makes me feel like I’m standing in a bright spotlight; it made me feel that way even at the bar when I kept catching him looking at me.
In fact, didn’t he mention yesterday that he saw me spill my drink at Merritt’s?He was watching me before he stepped into me on my way to the bathroom—which, now that I think about it, might not have been as accidental as I assumed.
A spotlight: that’s exactly it.I feel like he’s zeroed in on me.
Unease takes the place of my bewilderment and makes me wonder at last,What is he doing at my job?
“Do you not remember me?”he cuts through my silence.His face and shoulders are falling.“I’m Kyle Danfords.We officially met yesterday at—”
