Page 283 of Falling Backwards
So comfortable.
I’ve had the thought again and again for a while now, but it’s starting to take on a drowsy quality.
Indeed, I’m tempted to go ahead and doze off right here in Luke’s arms on the couch.We’ve long been in pajamas.We’ve eaten something.We’ve received texts from Joy, Emma, and Paxton that they’re all home safe.There’s nothing left to do tonight.
Every time my eyelids start feeling heavy, though, I end up thinking about Luke’s bed for one reason or another.It always brings on a mixture of delectable contentedness and amusement; it’s impossible not to—yet again—replay being together and recall his explanation of the so-called shoulder drop.Which means I either keep being stirred into snuggling back against him and finding a way to kiss some part of him, or I keep being stirred into smiles and stifled head-shakes about that little secret he’s been keeping for months.
I can’t believe that’s a thing to him.
Knowing about it makes me feel warm with affection…at least, it does for now.I may be less tickled and endeared the next time it happens because he’s exasperated me.
After he told me about it, I asked if he ever annoyed me on purpose just to get the shoulder drop out of me.He grinned and admitted to having done it two or three times that he remembers.I’m still not sure if I’m more charmed by that truth or by the idea of him naturally coming to enjoy getting that response from me; it feels sweetly flirty to think of him doing it intentionally, but something about him initially not noticing or caring and then slowly forming an attachment to it tugs at my heartstrings.
Presently, he shifts around behind me and gives my middle a flexing hug with the arm that’s enclosing me.I tune in to how I’ve gotten distracted from the Marvel movie we have on the TV.Haven’t heard him chortle or make any remarks, though, so maybe he has been distracted or drowsy himself.
Before I can ask if he’s ready for bed, a vibration comes from his body.He releases me to search out his phone in his sweatpants pocket.
Are our friends okay?Has something happened even though they’re all home now?
I lean over the edge of the couch to check my own phone.It’s been on the floor and the ringer is off on it, too, so I would’ve missed any calls or messages….
But I’m relieved to see I don’t have any notifications.I settle back into lying down.Whatever is on Luke’s phone probably isn’t an emer—
The faint light of his dark-mode screen catches the corner of my eye.Turning my head to it, I see he’s holding the phone for me to look at.I first notice a portion of an unresponded-to text sent sometime before now—clearly not what he wants me to read at this time.So I find the TV remote between us and pause the movie, then read the message that came in just moments ago:
hey, even though you haven’t talked to dad or ryan or answered my last text, you should still come to the reunion.dad has been saying you don’t want to, but you should!i think it’ll be good and helpful for you to visit with family.it could help heal what’s off between you and dad, at least.i really do hate to see him so upset about you and honestly about you not congratulating ryan.don’t you think it’d be better to make amends than to have all this happen?just consider it :)
There’s no name at the top of the screen, just a number, but I know who this must be.Especially since glancing over the previous message shows me it’s pretty much exactly what he told me his stepsister said to him.
I hadn’t liked it then, but I’m distinctly vexed by what she has sent now.
This isn’t about me, though.
I focus on Luke.I’m able to gently guide his phone back into his own space before I roll to face him so I can look at him—at the slight frown he wears, the pensive way he rereads the message himself.
“How do you feel about that?”I whisper.
His breath in is deep.
“Like I wanna respond this time,” he says surprisingly evenly.“Like…I finally know what to say instead of just ignoring it all.”He looks at me too.“I mean, I still don’t wanna talk to my dad and definitely don’t wanna see him, but…I can say something to Wendy.You’ve helped get this stuff out of me and it’s less of a jumble now, even though I am still pissed and really…um….”
Hurt.You’re hurt.Sad.
A pang hits my chest.
But I realize I’ve softened with understanding and a unique kind of happiness for him.I can’t stand that he’s wounded, but him being able to face it and talk about it is a good thing.
With a smile that’s soft, too, I find and squeeze his arm.“Okay.”
His frown lightens away.He returns the smile to me.
I ask, “What do you wanna say?”
Breathing deeply again, he returns his attention to his phone.
I’m quiet while he thinks for a bit; even with him having mentioned knowing what to tell her, I’m sure it’s hard to actually condense it into something that feels right.He taps his thumbs to the sides of his phone and I rest a hand on the front of his shirt, lightly rubbing back and forth, observing his heartbeat.
Its pace feels only slightly accelerated.It isn’t fast or hard with nervousness or anger.
