Page 262 of Falling Backwards
He looksright at me.
Panic crashes over me in waves and—
“Oh no!”he bursts out, eyes bulging, shoes squeaking as he doubles back a step.He holds up his hands.“Ohno!”
I freeze and feel Emma do the same.Neither of us speaks as Kyle babbles at us in…
…fear?
“Total coincidence,” I catch him saying.“I don’t want any trouble, all right?I don’t want anything from you at all!Not anymore!”
What?What is…?
Hands still raised, he continues walking, keeping me in his sights and allowing me to register just how nervous he looks.His expression says he’s trying to keep from freaking out at the sight of me, andnotin a crush-driven way.
No, he really does look like he’s trying to get away from me.
“Swear to God, I didn’t know you were here,” he goes on, voice rising more the farther he gets from me.
I also register that, indeed, hewasin a store that wasn’t exactly next to the one I recently left….
“I was just looking for new shoes.I don’t want any trouble.You’ll never have trouble from me again!”
And then he turns and starts walking as fast as a person can without breaking into a run.
I stare after him.
When I realize my mouth has fallen open, I close it and swallow at the dryness in my throat; it came from the panic that has now all but vanished.
Emma and I only share one quick look before we both go back to watching Kyle rush to put distance between himself and me.
Only when he’s too far away to see anymore do I finally manage to say, “Oh.”
“Well, that…” Emma puffs out a laugh, “…that…is a damn good thing.”
Now the look we share sticks; now we laugh together.
Welaughtogether about Kyle.
Because he…doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore.
I open my arms to Emma, who flings a hug around me.The waves hitting me now are of relief and shock and delight.I feel like cheering, crying, calling Luke and Joy and my parents even though the first two are at work and I want to share this news with them before letting my mom and dad know.
“Hi,” comes a new voice, bright yet cautious.“Everything going great for you two today?”
We end our hug and see a store employee at a nearby display.She’s smiling, but I get the feeling she saw most, if not all, of what happened and is confused.
Emma tells her, “You know, everythingisgreat,” and I have to nod my agreement.
“Well, I’m so glad!Gonna celebrate with some shopping?”
Since we’re here, we take a minute to sniff at various candles.Then we leave, and I notice I’m not the only one of us who spends the rest of the walk to Emma’s car peering around to make sure Kyle is gone; I’m not the only one still smiling when we leave the parking lot without so much as a glimpse of him or his car.
This good feeling doesn’t even go away when Emma says, “Hey, about what we were talking about before we saw him….”
It does lower, settle, make room for the return of a different important topic.It dwindles my smile down to bare bones.But I’m not abandoned to how I felt before.
I want to know what she thinks.I want to know whether she has untangled the confusing facets of loving oneself—because it is hitting me in this moment that loving myself is something I want to do.
