Page 255 of Falling Backwards
He nods in clear understanding and approval.“Absolutely.I’m so glad they did that for you.”After a moment, he turns hesitant.“Do they hate me?”
That gets a smile out of me, and at first, I think it’s strange.Why would I think his question is endearing?But I’m quick about knowing why: he cares.He cares what my best friends think of him because he cares about me.
I shake my head.“No, they don’t hate you.”
One corner of his lips lift in tentative hope…and amusement.“Not even Emma?”
Now I laugh a little, and so does he.
“No,” I say.“She was mad before, but it’s just because she wants me to be happy and so when I’mnothappy, she jumps into protective mode.”
“I get that so much.”He chuckles more.“I simultaneously respect her, appreciate her, and am scared of her.”
We crack up together again.
“But,” he goes on, “I’m not gonna get on her bad side again ’cause I’m never gonna hurt you again.”
As soon as the words are out of him, his eyes soften and grow serious.
“I mean…nothing is perfect all the time, so we’ll both hurt each other here and there as time goes on.We won’t be able to help it ’causepeoplearen’t perfect.”His hands find and wrap around mine.“Those times will be different, though, you know?Different from all this, even though we’ll keep learning and getting better just like we have here.’Cause I’ll never break your heart again.”
One might think these are scary or unsettling things to hear, but they aren’t.All I find in them is comfort.A promise of perseverance through the obstacles we’ll encounter not because either of us doesn’t deserve the other but because relationships simply aren’t always easy.
Just because it won’t always be easy doesn’t mean it won’t be entirely and eternally worth giving ourselves to.
I nod.“Yeah, Luke.”
“You know what I’m trying to say?”
“I do.”I squeeze his hands, take a steadying breath.“Things won’t always be perfect, but you’re the only person I wanna make and fix mistakes with.”I shake my head.“I won’t break your heart again either.”
The smile that brings out of him is, all at once, boyish and soft and moved and wise and confident and calm.
And then it’s just happy.
I mirror it, of course.
“Deal, Maggie Moss,” he says.
“Deal,” I echo perhaps unnecessarily.
Luke smiles more, and so do I.
“Come on, let’s go talk to your friends for a minute.”
My heart does a happy little dance at his suggestion—though his moans and groans about standing from kneeling for so long are joined by my fresh whimpers about standing with my stupid knee.
I’m not looking forward to going down those stairs and then back up.It’s not going to feel good.
But the worst of my wounds has been taken care of, andthatfeels nothing short of incredible.
L U K E
I feel so settled in the quiet darkness of my bedroom with Maggie lying beside me, her hand in mine, her head resting on my shoulder.Feel like I’m finally in command of my little place in the world—and in command of myself.
Thanks to her, I’ve met the best and worst parts of myself, found them piece by piece in the mess that my head and heart have been.I wasn’t ready to make a whole man out of them at sixteen, but that’s not true anymore.I’m as ready, willing, and resolved to embrace it all, to feel and enjoy and learn from it all, as she is.
So I’m ready to stop poorly ignoring the last blade stuck in my back.
