Page 248 of Falling Backwards
“AndIknow I broke your heart, and I’m sorrier than I’lleverbe able to express, but—”
“Even though I’m sorry, too, that I did that, you can’t act like I did it for no reason!”Her voice is rising, too, her chest nearly heaving.“Do you think I was wrong to feel like you deserved to be hurt right back in some way?”
“I would’ve rather had you beat the shit out of me, Maggie!”I burst out in a yell, my mouth skipping over her apology like I haven’t wanted it for years.“Of course I deserved to be hurt in return, but I wish you’d broken my nose or hit me with a baseball bat or even with a fucking car instead of sharing with hundreds of people that I had a crying breakdown about my dad leaving and replacing me with kids he liked better!”
At that, pain spikes her expression into lifted eyebrows, spikes down into her lungs for a serrated breath.
Her arms finally uncross and she steeples her hands over her mouth, which hides the judder that I’m sure is coming on with her watering eyes, though I still catch the sound that escapes her.
My mind goes back to her apology.This time, it touches me.I canseeit.I can almost feel it.
“The lies,” I say, my voice dwindling towards weakness, “were stupid ones, but they were still hard to deal with.But as much shit as I caught because of them, and as upset and embarrassed as I was…it doesn’t touch what it felt like for you to includethat.For you to air my one actual personal truth for everyone to make fun of.I completely broke down about my dad in front of you and you told everyone about it.”
Her shoulders lift and drop with her shaky breathing.Her eyes overflow with tears.
A minute ago, she stopped me from counting off any more of people’s reactions to the flyers, and I wonder if it’s because she knew what was next in line: the worst one.The tissues people also threw at me and wedged into my locker and snuck into my backpack and stuffed in the collars of my shirts in case I needed to cry about my dad some more.The jokes they made about it.
My eyes are starting to water too.
I say, “You were the only person I was comfortable enough with to….You were the only one.I was so overwhelmed and bottled up at the same time, felt fury and this other hollow,hollowthing I couldn’t describe, and I—I had no idea how to handle any of it.Not with my mom, not even with myself.But you were so soft and quiet and safe and I just knew…I couldn’t tell where the breakdown was coming from, but the moment I realized it was happening, I knew I didn’t have to try to stop it.I knew I didn’t have to feel stupid or embarrassed or weak because it was you.I didn’t understand yet that I felt heartbroken and lonely and inadequate—that that’s what the hollowness was—but I knew I could still weep about it because it was you.You would never….”
“God, Luke,I’m so sorry.”
The tearful words are muffled behind her hands, but they reach all the way into my chest.
It feels as if my heart withers and grows at the same time, like it can’t quite let go of the bitterness and also like it wants to jump out of me and intoherchest where she can protect it for good.
I take a deep breath, swipe my knuckles over my eyes.
She lowers her hands into a clasp in front of her chest.Sincerity stands out in her pinched features; her eyes are as heavy as my heart feels.
“I hate that I did that,” she says.“I hate that I did all of it.Back then, I was so—you hurt me so much and I was humiliated and upset and I’d never felt anything so sharp before.It felt enormous even if itwasjust between you and Jayden.You said a few minutes ago that the way people reacted to the flyers didn’t ease up after a week or a month or even a year and I-I hadhopedfor that.It sounds so terrible, but that’s how I felt.I knewIwasn’t gonna get over the pain you caused me in a week or a month or a year.I knew it was gonna stay with me and I wanted you to understand what that was gonna be like.”
Even not being shouted, her confession floods the room and spills chill bumps all over me.Shock and anger prickle at me from hearing it.At hearing her say she wanted me to suffer for as long as she was going to.
It doesn’t last, though.It can’t.I understand too well.
She’s been sniffling and wiping at her cheeks with the sleeve of her sweater.Now she shakes her head, sending ripples through her hair.
“It wasn’t the right thing to do,” she says.“I…you know, I talk about why I did it, about what I thought was fair, but…it doesn’t change that I went too far with it.I went too far.I let my hurt get the best of me.Luke, there aren’t words for how much I wish I could take it all back.I’ve been wishing for a long time that I could take it back.”
The bitterness is what withers now.It goes from me like the anger and shock did.
My feet carry me two steps towards her.She takes a half-step at me, too, then recoils like she doesn’t dare to get her hopes up that she can really come close to me.
“And,” she goes on, “during our fight yesterday, you said I thought I had a right to be upset about the past and you didn’t, but I swear that wasn’t true.The—the way I must’ve looked when you said you don’t trust me with stuff about your dad…it wasn’t because I felt victimized or something.It wasn’t because I couldn’t believe you said that.It was because I deserved you feeling that way and it was torture.I couldn’t stand—I still can’t stand—that I left you feeling like you can’t trust me.”
She does take a step my way now.
“Youcan, Luke.You can trust me with how you feel about your dad and with anything else in this world that makes you feel heartbroken and lonely and inadequate.You can trust me withyou.It may be hard to believe, but it’s the truth.You’re never gonna see me act like that again—the way I acted back then.I’m never gonna do anything so hurtful to you again.I regret it and I learned from it.”
Every single bit of that furthers the dismantling of the heaviness I’ve kept tucked away for so long.It began with her earnest apology and it hasn’t stopped, has only quickened.
I can’t believe how much lighter I feel with each passing second.
And I can’t go on not touching her.
As I close the space between us, she takes light breaths of soft surprise, of hope, her expression matching them—I grab for her hands at the same time that she grabs for mine.I swear to God, the contact nearly weakens my knees.
