Page 241 of Falling Backwards
“Oh, yeah, yeah.”He waves his free hand.“Pff.Nah, I don’t feel bad about that.We were just having fun.It wasn’t a big deal.”
I withdraw my hand from my glass.
Jayden gives me a quizzical look.“Haveyoubeen feeling bad about Maddie?Is that why you’re in this sucky mood and—?”
“Maggie.”
This time, my tone is undeniably sharp.
As he eyes me, he sets his shot glass down, realizing at last that I’m not going to participate in any celebratory cheers.
“What’s your matter, dude?”he asks.“Seriously?”
“How do you not regret that whole thing?”I ask back.“Iregret it.Ifeel like shit about it.I guess it’s whatever if neither of us realized at the start that we were doing the wrong thing by messing with someone like that—it wasn’t good, but at least we could say we didn’t realize it would turn outsoshitty.But at the end of it?It was clear then.You were right next to me when she accidentally found out about the bet—she overheardyoutalking about it to me—and you saw how much it hurt her.And you saw how much it hurtmeto have hurt her.And bynow,it should definitely be clear that….”Now I’m the quizzical one.“Howdo you not feel bad?How do you not think it was a big deal?”
Maybe putting it like that will make a difference,I think hopefully.Maybe he never dwelled on it as an adult and never gave himself the chance to come around to respecting what happened, and now he will.
But he’s shaking his head, finally drinking his first shot, wearing an expression like I’m overreacting and it’s getting on his nerves.
I clench my fists in my lap and wait for him to say as much.
He crosses his arms and settles back against his side of the booth.“I don’t feel bad becauseit was just for funbetween two friends.You lost a bet and had to pay up in accordance with our agreement.It’s as simple as that.Do I like that she overheard us talking about it?No, ’cause that’s a shitty way to learn about anything.But am I gonna beat myself up about what we did in general?Also no.Why would I?We were goofing off.It’s not like we physically hurt her.And watching you pay up was fun.I don’t have anything to feel guilty about.”He shrugs.“Plus, our bet wasn’t personal against her.It’s not my fault or my problem if she got her feelings hurt by it.”
Strike two.
“The hell do you mean, it wasn’t personal?”I counter.“After I lost the bet, you had the names ofspecificgirls written on those pieces of paper I drew from.Youpicked outgirls you thought were unattractive and included them in the bet.Itwaspersonal.Against all of them.”
“Again, it’s not like we—”
“No, quit trying to excuse it, Jayden.”
Tilting his head, he cuts his eyes along me.
I tell him, “It shouldn’t be hard to look back at our choices and acknowledge that they were bad.”
But even as I say it, I already know he’s not going to change his mind—hisheart.
‘It’s not like she actually fucking matters.’
Once again, I recall him saying that about Maggie after things between us got wrecked and I was upset.
The way he views everything now is the way he viewed everything then.
Heisan asshole.
And I don’t even need him to reach strike three.I’m already done.
I dig my wallet out of my pocket to see if I have any cash, though I don’t think—oh, there’s a ten.Not interested in recalling where it’s from, only in slapping it onto the table.I didn’t take even a sip of the Guinness, but I don’t care.It’s getting paid for and I’m leaving.
“What are—?Are you serious right now?”Jayden asks as I slip out of my seat to stand.“You’re gonna ditch me after ten minutes just ’cause I don’t share in your tender-hearted remorse about some shit from high school that doesn’t even matter?”
“It does matter,” I say as I put my wallet away again, “but yeah.”
As I turn and go, it’s impossible not to hear him yelling that I’m a pussy, a shitty friend, a loser with a pathetic job.This time, though, I’m not embarrassed by him being so damn loud.With that kind of behavior, he’s saying more about himself than he is about me.
Plus, I’m already preparing to call my real friend and see if he can meet up.
—
