Page 236 of Falling Backwards
Yet I’m still mad.I can’t help that after all this time, I’mmadat her.I still harbor my old resentment towards her.She has never told me she’s sorry for what she did, and that fact is like a hole in my heart because she may not reallybesorry.She may still think I had it coming.And if she does, I….
Butdidn’t Ihave it coming?
Even so, did I really mean the stuff about my dad?It’s true that I hadn’t told her about my stepsister’s text about him on Thanksgiving and didn’t tell her what happened today at lunch, but my God, I—even with the memory of how it felt for her to use my pain against me in high school, even with that lingering bitterness, I do still trust her.Of course I do.I knew it on Thanksgiving and I know it now.We’ve grown up.Things aren’t exactly the same as they were before.Plus, when I talked to her about Aunt Joni and about my dad sending the holiday card to me, Maggie was great about it.That went fine and it didn’t hurt.
But it’s still complicated because it would be a lie to say I’ve gotten over her breaking my initial confidence in her.
And this other stuff that’s been going on about my dad…it has felt like a tangle getting steadily worse.
I haven’t wanted to dwell on the past with her or the present with him, so I’ve just tried to ignore both.
When am I gonna learn that ignoring what hurts is not the way to make it better?
The sharp thought has my breath catching in my throat, my stomach curling.
It worsens as my dad grows bigger in my mind.
No, fuck him.I don’t wanna think about him right now.
One moment, I’m lost on what Idowant to do; nothing sounds good at all because I’m too upset, too on-edge.The next moment, I’m dying to lie down and fall into the nothingness of sleep; it sounds so good that I know I’ll pass out as soon as I’m in bed.
Except Maggie’s memory is in my bed, so I don’t end up literally going there.
Since she’s on one certain end of my couch, too, I lie at the other.
And I shut my eyes on the world.
—
I did not pass right out.
For half an hour at least, my mind has continued spinning around everything that’s happened, everything I’m hurt by and afraid of, everything I wish was different.
I feel like I need to talk to someone, but I don’t know who and don’t even know how.Maggie asked me to leave her place, so she clearly doesn’t want to hear from me, and I wouldn’t know how to not fight with her again anyway.Paxton…if I could sort out my mental chaos, I could go to him, but it’s too jumbled.Don’t want to take this to my mom or aunt.And Jayden—no way do I feel like I can talk to Jayden about any of this.He won’t get it.He won’t understand.
Just turn it all off,I order myself.Shut it all down so you can sleep.
Thought by thought, I work on that.
No Maggie.No Jayden.No dad.
It takes a long time.
Eventually, though, I achieve the kind of quiet that comes of turning my back on everything, not of any kind of peace.
Despite knowing it won’t—can’t—last, I’m thankful.I feel the oncoming murmur of sleep and am glad I won’t be lying awake any longer.
But something does sneak through it as I’m sinking into the dark silence: an ache ofmissing.
It’s so deep and strong that my eyes threaten to start burning from it.
I cover it up with my determination to sleep.
I’m ready to leave this day behind me.
—
All of it is following me.
