Page 230 of Falling Backwards
“It’s nothing, Maggie.”
There’s an edge to his tone now.
Great.I’m pestering him exactly like I didn’t want to do earlier.
Bad on me for caring, right?
I look straight ahead now.Crossing my arms over my stomach makes me think of Marcus and the rest of my shift.I find myself answering Luke’s questions at last.
“My ex was there, drinking in the bar area with his girlfriend.Ronald told me to do napkins and silverware over there and I asked if I could do it somewhere else, but he ignored me, so I had to pick a bar table that I could see my stand from, which meant I had to sit near enough to Marcus that when his girlfriend went to the restroom, his drunk ass came over to me and said I was sitting there to be close to him because I miss him.”
Luke exhales and I don’t know if it’s because that’s part of breathing or if that’s the best scoff-sigh-whatever he can give right now.
As I replay my conversation with Marcus in my head, I realize my fingers have started gripping my shirt.I can’t get them to loosen for more than a second.
“I told him I don’t miss him at all, and he saidhedoesn’t missme,and then he—he said he’s so happy to be able to look at his new girlfriend and not be disgusted.He talked about the weight I gained when I was with him and said it was why he dumped me.”
When I slide a look back to Luke, I see his hands tightening a little more on the steering wheel.
In my memory, I hear Marcus mentioning….
I have to ask, “Did you know that?Did he tell you that’s why he broke up with me?Is that what you meant when you said he came to the bar and talked to you and insulted me?”
He takes a slow breath, his eyes still on the road, and nods.
I didn’t notice I’d been hunching my shoulders, but I do now that they drop with heavy shock.
“Why would you not tell me that?”I demand.
The red glow of a stoplight washes over him, and after the car has stilled, he turns a frown on me.It’s still not wholehearted, and neither is his tone when he says, “I didn’t think you wanted me to.”
I raise my eyebrows.
He raises one at me and finally looks more like himself.
I ask, “So you just hid it from me?You made the executive decision that I couldn’t handle hearing something like that?”
“No?”he counters, his eyes doing a quick sideways dart like he has no idea why I think that.
It only confounds me more.“Yes, you did!You just told me you kept it from me because you didn’t think—”
“I offered to tell you!”He gestures at me, his frown coming fully to life in the glow of the red light.“Before you go and get all accusatory, maybe think back to you sitting right there andnottaking me up on that offer.I said I’d tell you what he said about you but that it would probably upset you and that it upsetme,and you never asked me to keep talking.You never told me you wanted to hear it.What was I supposed to do, say it anyway like I didn’t give a shit about your feelings?”
Now I’m frowning too.
But all of that actually sounds familiar, so I do what he suggested and think back.I remember him telling me he got written up for insulting Marcus—I couldn’t believe he’d done that, but he informed me,‘Well, he insulted you first.’I was embarrassed that my ex had said anything behind my back, and I was surprised and stirred by Luke defending me.
Presently, the glow on Luke turns green and he turns his eyes back to the road, getting us going again.“I guess if you wanna say I kept it from you, then that’s technically true, but I didn’t do it to hurt you somehow.I did it tonothurt you.And you participated in that, so….”
New embarrassment floods me now.
Idoremember Luke offering to tell me what exactly Marcus said.I silently wondered about it, and Luke had said he’d tell me…but he’s right, I never….
Turning away from him, I put my hands over my face and sigh.
He doesn’t prompt me to confirm that he didn’t do anything wrong like I thought.I can’t seem to find the right words to do it on my own.
Even after my hands are in my lap and I’ve spent a minute looking out my window, I don’t quite know what to say.
