Page 222 of Falling Backwards
In his next message, he talked about how much he needs to relax from all his schooling and how getting shitfaced is going to feel awesome.I remember grimacing at the thought of his drunken side, and I didn’t respond at all.
Only when I got home a bit ago did I finally check what he said earlier when I was ordering my and Maggie’s lunch.It turned out to be,‘You been quiet lately, dude.Are you working your ass off or what?If so, I hope you’re ready to skip out while I’m there.For real.Special occasion!’I finally did say a little something back to that.Told him, yeah, I’ve been busy with work and spending time with my girlfriend, and no, I won’t be able to swing calling in to any of my shifts while he’s in town—I didn’t doubt he was serious about me doing that.
And at that point, he sent his most recent message: a response to what I said.
JAYDEN:Ohhhh.It all makes sense now.You’ve been pussy-whipped into dropping your friends and now you don’t do anything but hang with her and earn that money.How much of it does she make you spend on her?Haha
All over again, I’m irritated.
I mean, I know Jayden—I know the kinds of things he thinks are funny, so I know what he said is probably meant to be taken as a joke.But there have been times over the years when I didn’t care for his sense of humor and this is one of them.
I never did think his comments about Maggie were funny.Or warranted.Or true.
Not that he’s aware of her being the girlfriend I’ve spoken of.I haven’t mentioned her to him at all since high school.Seems like he brought her up in passing one time a year or two after that, but I brushed him off; I don’t even recall what he said, just the deeply unhappy feeling I had about it.
It’s not just the thought of her being the butt of his joke—once again—that annoys me, though.It’s that whole attitude; dudes who talk the way he did in his last message sound somewhere between sexist and jealous.Maybe it’s because I have an awesome mom who was the better partner in her marriage, but I’ve never found it funny when people go to the old-ball-and-chain thing when a man mentions being considerate towards his significant other.Obviously, sometimes one partnercanbe too controlling, which is a problem, but that’s not me and Maggie, and Jayden has no reason to think it is.He just fired off his jokes right out the gate.
Since reading them, I haven’t known what to say back, but now I find I do.
ME:Nah, don’t get like that with it.She’s awesome and hardworking herself
After I’ve sent the message, I realize it’s not as sharp a response as what my insides wanted to send.
It’s something, though.
I have to get ready for work anyway, not get into a texting argument with somebody.
But once I’m dressed, I get an answer from him that actually surprises me in a not-bad way.
JAYDEN:Yeah, I’m just fucking around.I know I don’t even know her
It’s not an apology, but it’s in the same ballpark.
ME:All good
Hard as it is to shake my irritation from before, I do feel a bit better.Like I figured, he was joking—not in a way I understood, but at least he wasn’t being a straight-up asshole.
Jayden’s not an asshole,I remind myself.He’s just Jayden.
Still not going to tell him Maggie is my girl, though.
But…would he apologize for what happened if he knew she was back in my life?Has he been feeling remorse since high school like I have?
I stand in my living room and think about that.
Then I remember I don’t have a lot of timetothink about it right now.I need more than a minute or two to ponder whether bringing the past up to him is a good idea when I’m not supposed to bring it up even with the girl those memories revolve around.
That girl drifts around in my head, and I realize I’m going to have to tell her about my drinks with Jayden at some point.
A deeply uncomfortable feeling stirs in my stomach.
Will she be upset?Or will she get it?
Talk about apologizing—Ineed to apologize to her.I need to tell her I’m sorry.Tell her again that I was sorry back then too.
The feeling in my stomach worsens.
I bring up my messages with her this time, but I just send her a heart.I’d rather think about how much I care about her than…the other stuff.
