Page 183 of Falling Backwards
Makes me wish I hadn’t shied away from the gentle sweep of his hand just beneath my shirt after we woke up together in my bed.I wish I had let my desire for his touch be bigger than my worry about not being enjoyabletotouch.Wish I could have had more time to absorb what he said and quiet my nerves and let myself be in those moments the way I wanted to be.
Thinking of all that and of my current feeling of bravery reminds me of other similar things.Brave words I spoke at the park the other day, as well as a much older memory.
Since those words didn’t end in disaster, I don’t hold back the ones that come to me now.“Do you remember the Water Rocks?The cloudy day when…?”
Luke’s gaze settles on mine with blue gentleness.“Of course I do.I’ll never forget that day.The way you looked at me and the way you made me feel.”
Even with us no longer being at odds, those last things aren’t things I expected to hear.They put flickers of more memories in my mind, put an abrupt shakiness in my hands—and they leave me warm with wonder about how I made him feel.
I look down from his face and finally abandon his hair and shoulder to smooth at the front of his coat once, twice.Then I adjust the open sides of it for no reason.
“Neither will I,” I whisper.“Never forget it.”After another fidgety second, I give a reluctant laugh.“I still think I must’ve been bad at it.First kiss.”
“No, you weren’t bad at it.You were just right.”
I don’t have to see his eyes to know he means that; it emanates from him like all the rest of his sincerity has.
A lump springs to life in my throat, and I can’t help thinking even more about it: the first boy I kissed, the first boyfriend I had, the first boy I gave my heart to, the first boy to crush me, the first boyIcrushed.
Embarrassment tries to sear up through the hum of the lovely things I feel…but I don’t want that or any of those other gray thoughts.
We’re not interested in wallowing in the bad stuff.All of that happened a long time ago and we were young.We were growing and part of growing is doing things that are stupid.If we learn from it, it doesn’t have to hinder us for the rest of our lives.That’s why we agreed to put up the wall between us and the past.
I bring my eyes back to his.That lump in my throat twinges hard when I see the look on his face because it’s as full as my chest is.
I wonder what he’s thinking.I don’t want to ask in case it, too, involves something sad.
Instead, I keep going with the calmer thoughts, and I smile at him.
He seems to leave behind whatever has brought that expression on, and he smiles back.
As his lips near mine, I realize I’m tugging lightly on the front of his coat, realize his hands are pulling me closer too.I don’t know which of us started it, but we’re equally on board for the kiss that’s approaching.
It comes, stays only for short seconds, then goes.
So not enough.
We’re being magnetized back in when his name rings out from nearby, genial and followed by the closing of two car doors.
Our moments come to a sudden end.He shares a disappointed sigh with me before we step apart.
“Hi, Luke!”comes now, the voice clearly belonging to a child.When I look over, I see an older woman and a little girl waving.
“Oh,” Luke says to me, “uh, the neighbors I told you about.Turkey craft kid and her grandma.”
I wish we hadn’t been interrupted, but my work shift starts soon anyway, and my heart warms anew at the mention of these people.“Oh, okay.”I wave back.
Luke calls, “Hello, you two!Doing all right?”
The grandma winces apologetically and replies, “Well, we are, but I’m sorry to interrupt.Would it trouble you to carry this case of bottled water indoors?I had a young man at the store load it into my car, but I wasn’t sure how I’d get it out again!”
He rather perks up.“Yeah, sure, I’ll grab that for you.”He puts one arm around me and takes me with him as he walks.“Ms.Ruth, this is Maggie, my girlfriend!”
“Aw, your girlfriend!Nice to meet you, dear!You’ve got yourself such a sweet man!”
I don’t know when the grin came to my face, but it’s here.“The pleasure is mine, ma’am.And yes, I know—I’m so lucky.Is there anything I can help carry while Luke gets the water?”
In a way, these few minutes we spend helping and chatting set unease into my bones; I don’t want to be late for work.But greater than that feeling is a sense of perspective tied up with happiness.I’m relieved we were here to ensure Ms.Ruth and her granddaughter didn’t hurt themselves trying to carry something heavy on their own, and she and Mitzy are friendly and cute, and…I don’t know.It all just makes me feel like the delay is worth it.Surely the world won’t end if I arrive at Lucent a touch later than I meant to.
