Page 172 of Falling Backwards
We fall quiet.
Everythingis quiet—my apartment, the night outside, the background on his end.
I’m reminded of the silence we were in earlier, which reminds me of the kiss, which reminds me of Kyle and how I realized some time ago that I forgot to mention something important to Luke.
I do it now.“I’m sorry I didn’t say this sooner, but…thank you for everything with Kyle.The way you handled it meant so much to me.It…” I swallow hard at remembering, “…was perfect.”
“Yeah, I’ve got you, Maggie.”
There’s a gravelly touch to his promise and Ireallylike the way it sounds, the way it moves through my ear and down my neck, the way it deepens his already meaningful words.
It makes me think about how he touched me while I was unlocking my door, and how he looked at me before we parted ways.
After I’ve caught my breath about it, it also makes me wonder if he’s tired.My swirl-drawing on the sheets grows slower.I imagine him lying in his own bed or maybe on the couch….I remember lying on that couch with him, so close and so warm, getting better sleep than anyone had a right to in such a restricted space.
My thoughts wander to our kisses, then to the daydream of him being here, next to me again.And I don’t try very hard to stop them.
Biting my bottom lip makes me think now of how he touched me there at the park.My stomach flips hard like it did then.
‘It drives me crazy in a good way,’he had said.
I think I hear him sigh, so I get back to what I was thinking before all this.Softly, I ask, “Are you sleepy?”
“No.”
Oh.
“Are you?”he asks.
“No.My friends went to bed a while ago, but I’ve just been thinking about….”
My voice fades as the full truth stills on my tongue:‘I’ve just been thinking about you.I’ve been thinking about us.I’ve been missing you.’
Once again, I find myself not knowing how to talk.
But this new silence ends with his, “Can I come back over there?”
That low, slightly gravelly, unexpected question sends my butterflies into chaos.
“Can I come see you?”he goes on.“Just for a little while?”
I ammade ofbutterflies because of him.
I get my voice to work again, but not to ask why he’s asking that.Not even to ask if he’s serious because of what time it is.
All I say is, “Okay.”
—
The moon manages to peek through the curtains in the living room.I sit in the silent shadows with my hands knotted in my lap, looking around and around without really focusing on anything.I halfway prepare for Luke to want to talk about the park and halfway prepare for one of the girls to wake up and open their door, see me, and question what I’m doing out here.
Maybe they would ask why Luke is coming over at this hour, and maybe they wouldn’t.Maybe they’d leave it alone and hurry back to their room once they’d gotten their drink of water or gone to the bathroom.
The thought of either scenario makes me blush.
In fact, I feel hot in my pajama t-shirt and lightweight night pants.It’s why I left the lamplight of my room and pulled the door to and came to wait out here in the near-darkness, which is cooler and much more open.
My phone vibrates and lights up next to me on the couch.I check it.
