Page 129 of Falling Backwards
Her words don’t leave me feeling gentle at all, though.Not towards Kyle.
Her trip to the grocery store on the day we became a pretend couple was the last time she actually saw him, and she hasn’t gotten any weirder-than-usual feelings that he might be out of sight, but I know she hasn’t felt totally relaxed.Sure, she’s safe with me, but the mental aspect of having any level of stalker is no joke.The handful of times we went out in public over the last few days, I noticed how much attention she still paid to our surroundings.I noticed how shaky she got during one work shift when there was a single-guest reservation for a Kyle, and I noticed how heavily relief fell on her when it turned out to be a harmless older gentleman.
I notice in this current moment how hard she swallows as her eyes dart around us.
In a murmur, I tell her, “It’s all right, Magnolia.”
Her fingers are suddenly fumbling—quick as a skipped heartbeat, they’re notched with mine, surpassing the way our hands were simply curved around each other before.
The way it feels is sharply painful and utterly perfect at the same time.
Itisbetter than I remember.
It’s a sense of completeness that, somehow, I’ve still never come close to feeling with anyone else.
So many things about her give me that sense.
An echoing truth I can’t pretend away.
And something tells me those kinds of things are going to keep coming.
It dawns on me that I’m both dying for them to and afraid for them to.
She exhales slowly, steadily.I see she’s nodding, closing her eyes just for a moment.
“Yeah, it’s all right,” she agrees.
I squeeze her hand again, and this time, she squeezes back.Tiny shockwaves ripple away from that point of pressure and settle all throughout me.
Painful and perfect, yes.
Shortly, another thing I want to know about her floats into my mind, so now that I’ve learned more about what foods she likes, I move on.“What’s something you would buy if you won the lottery?”
Once again, a smile of curiosity overtakes her lips.“Are we playing Twenty Questions?”
Well, there’s an idea.“Sure,” I say.“Why not?I was just gonna ask some of the random things in my head, but if you have stuff you wanna ask me back….”
She lets out a small laugh.“You know, I think I do.”
“Cool.”
“Okay.Well, something I’d buy if I won the lottery is….”Almost immediately, she gestures as if to erase that.“No, it’s not a purchase.What I’d do is donate a bunch of money to charities and organizations that help people in need.”
The second she says it, I realize both that it’s no surprise and that it’s something I’d like to do myself.
“What about you?”she asks.
“Same thing.Right away.”
Her eyes lighten.“Really?What’s a cause you care a lot about?”
Many come pouring into my mind, a small avalanche of things that matter to me.“Getting food to people who are hungry, suicide prevention, reducing bullying, defending human rights for people who are discriminated against.”
Maggie is nodding so ardently, our hands are jostled between us.“Oh,yes.Those things matter to me too.And survivors of sexual assault and people who need mental healthcare.”
“People who live in abusive households.”
She’s counting them with her free fingers now.“Impoverished people and sick people.”
