Page 124 of Falling Backwards
I can’t get a grip on my emotions.
His honesty makes my heart smile, and my harshness towards myself makes it hurt.
Remembering his mentions of Marcus and the new girlfriend makes my cheeks burn, and remembering the news of him calling my ex a jackass makes me giggle through my hushed sobs.
He defended me.I still don’t quite know how he did it or what exactly provoked him, but he had my back.
To Marcus and to me.
The knowledge warms me through even as it makes me cry more.
It’s not easy to feel confident or beautiful when change and expectations and society all build up in so many ways and leave me—and other people, men and women alike—feeling inferior.Inadequate.
But I wipe at my eyes and look into the mirror again, and Luke’s words make themselves at home in my head…those words I wasn’t expecting because I was afraid he was dwelling on what sixteen-year-old me did….
I like them better than the ones that have been dampening my self-confidence.
I wanna hold on to them.
The thought settles on me until it becomes more of a resolution.
I’m not sure when my internal criticisms of myself will come slinking back to the spotlight, but at least for tonight, they’re being tucked away among the other shadowy things I don’t care to focus on.
Noise from the other room reminds me that I need to check on Joy after her apparently failed blind date.
After another minute, I feel ready to do that.Feel like I’m done with the tears.
I get to my feet again so I can clean up.
While I change into my pajamas, the weirdest sensation takes over my hands.It’s like a restlessness—a feeling of loneliness, kind of.I find myself thinking that touching Luke one last time wasn’t merely something I could’ve done to show thanks, it was something Ishould’vedone, something my bodyneededto do.I wish I’d followed through with the urge.
Picturing how he might’ve touched me back sends a sprinkling of tingles down my spine, because one thing is for sure: if he really did have shadowy things in his own mind like I feared, they weren’t taking up as much space as appreciative things were.
The sensation grows so strong in my hands that I have to rub them over my hips to try to scrub it away.
But it just makes me picture them being his hands instead, which brings the spine tingles back…and, weirdly again, makes me realize I wish I had some gummy worms.
CHAPTER
EIGHT
L U K E
Although Maggie and I planned to go to the park for a walk on Sunday or Monday, it’s Wednesday by the time we’re doing it.
The rain just kept on coming.Even running a few errands and driving to work together was a hassle because of all the flooded areas around town and the generally dreary, cold wetness.We didn’t go many places together at all; more than anything, we texted each other.
The sun is out now, though, and the temperature has warmed up a bit.We’re ready to follow the path around the park a few times.The Kyle coast is clear.We’ve got on some of the exercise clothes we finished shopping for just yesterday when the precipitation was kind enough to lighten to a steady drizzle.
I’m delighted to report she’s wearing those shimmery dark green leggings.And apparently, my deep liking of them is matched by her deep liking of my gray sweatpants.
When we exchanged compliments outside her apartment door, I couldn’t help imagining howshe’dlook in my sweatpants.They would be kind of big on her, I know, and long.Absolutely cozy, though—delectable, I had to admit.
It was hard not to let my thoughts wander farther than that.
Truth be told, as the days have passed, I’ve noticed it getting harder and harder not to let my thoughts go too far in plenty of off-limits directions.Directions like backwards to when we should’ve done things differently and forwards to…well, to possibly, maybe, if somehow we could….
